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Dear Murray

i have a problem with a stalker. he’s been stalking me for 2 months now but then he stopped all of the sudden. it really bothers me. do you think i am too fat?


You know the thing about stalkers? You never feel lonely when you got a stalker. You ain’t never sitting around thinking “Oh god, I’m so very bored at this moment,” ’cause all you have to do is look outside and there’s your entertainment. Murray ain’t never gonna stalk anybody, ’cause I’m too damned unmotivated. If you want me to stalk you, you’re gonna have to give me an arranged time, and you can drive by and I’ll stalk you. HEY HEY I’M STALKING YOU NOW! OK ARE WE DONE STALKING YET? OK BYEBYE! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

You think after two months he hasn’t learned a trick or two? He won’t give up that easily. Good stalking takes lots of practice, and equipment. He just had to save up, and he’s gotten much, much better. Trust me, he’s there right now. Stop fretting, your pudgy ass can rest in peace tonight.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: First-Class Whining Links

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.