Menu Home

The Melrose-style mid-life crisis

Dear Murray

what do you think about a recently divorced guy who’s 38 years old, has long bleached-blonde hair, wears big chains and just got his nipples and his tongue pierced? i have to work with this guy and i’m beginning to wonder if maybe he’s some sort of latent homosexual.


It ain’t fuckin’ easy to offend Murray, but buddy, you just did it. You’re giving homosexuals a bad name. There are few things in this world uglier than hearing some 40-something computer programmer neck-deep in mid-life crisis saying MAN, THAT SHIT IS WHACK. This dude’s obviously feeling a little insecure if he ran out and did this shit all of a sudden after his divorce, then we sure know who ended that marriage. He’s trying to prove to himself that he’s still got it and that 19 year-old girls still want him. He just stole his persona from the Raver Ken doll. We all know how that one ended. That shit got pulled off the shelves and Mattel issued this statement: “We’re not in the business of putting cock rings into the hands of little girls.” – Lisa McKendall, Manager of Marketing and Communications, Mattel Toys. Everything you need to know about Raver Ken here. Fuck it, you know what? Maybe he is gay.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: Limp Dicks

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.