CNN: The Change News Network

This media election coverage is pissing me off. It’s bad enough that all the candidates are stealing the buzzword from my campaign for president.

“Hey, lady, can you spare some CHANGE?” -Murray, 2003.

Now, all anyone can talk about is CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE.

What kind of change can some of these people possibly offer?

Hillary’s swarming to the word change like an old rat sniffing out a choice cut of cheese. She’s gone all on the offensive, first reminding us that she is a WOMAN, because, well, 67 percent of Americans aren’t convinced of that shit yet. Oh yeah, electing the first woman president would be a big change. If that woman was Oprah or Beyonce or Camille Paglia, or hell, even Britney would make for a fun ride as president. Hillary’s just the matriarch of the same tired old baby boomer political families. If Hillary was elected and served two terms, this country would be run by the same TWO families for TWENTY EIGHT FUCKING CONSECUTIVE YEARS. Change, my bleeding asshole. Once she loses New Hampshire, her campaign will begin to go down in flames, and Hill will start eating the heads off of babies. GFY, Hill.

Edwards very well may be a candidate for change, but his type of change is creeping me out. Edwards has obviously been sipping the potion from Death Becomes Her, and he should be sharing that shit with his wife! Their whole relationship reminds me of the time on Three’s Company when Jack was dating that Lana chick. Except, Mrs. Edwards ain’t no Lana. I’ll vote for Edwards if he promises to share the potion. But, rich white guy from the south for president? NEVER SEEN THAT ONE BEFORE!

Crazy Kucinich is my motherfuckin’ hero. We’re both somewhere to the left of Mao, and we’re both banging a hot, young woman. So, in other words, he has no shot. Sometimes, the dream is too far to reach for most Americans. Kucinich is the candidate I’d most like to give a high five.

Ron Paul’s talking about change. Ron Paul has a dedicated Army of internet trolls out there spamming message boards, political blogs, and every article they can find that has anything to do with the election. Either someone’s jacking these motherfuckers up on ephedrine, or there’s one motherfucker programming spambots. Judging from his results in Iowa, I’d lean toward the latter. Oh yeah, Ron Paul’s for change. He wants a smaller government. He hates bloated government, which explains why he’s been a motherfucking Congressman in this bloated government for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. It’s always easy to talk about Revolution when you’ve planned yourself a nice, cushy, well-paying job at the top. Just ask Stalin. Eat a dick, Paulywogs.

Mitt Romney. We’ve seen this hair before. Between Jimmy Johnson and Ronald Reagan, the world can never have enough Teflon pampadours. Nor, can we ever have enough wives. I know y’all are getting into Big Love and all, but every time my woman watches that show, she’ll immediately turn to me and say “you know what else is stupid about the patriarchy?” That’s what a Romney administration would be like for yours truly. St. Louis would be officially declared a national landmark, as the garden of Eden. Any of you ever been to St. Louis? I don’t remember anything in the Bible about Adam and Eve running through the gardens of spare tires and luxurious mounds of junk. This one time, I was riding my bike, and it started raining really fucking hard. So, I stopped under an overpass, to wait out the rain. These two dudes in dress clothes and ties came up to me, and I’m thinking “oh, god, i’m about to get gang raped.” Then, the one dude says “I want to give you something.” I was preparing myself to defend my virginal asshole when he whipped out a card for a free copy of the Book of Mormon. I rode off into the rain as fast and as far as I could from those fuckers. And now, one of them is running for President.

Speaking of religious wackos, how ’bout that Mike Huckabee? You know what group doesn’t have enough disproportionate power in this country? Fundamentalist Christians. It’s such a shame that nobody ever pays them any attention at all in politics. I’ll admit it, though, Huckabee is the candidate I’d most like to eat Thanksgiving dinner with. Just look at these fuckers:

There’s no skimping on the lard at that dinner table! Just keep your dogs away from the big hoss in the middle!

Through it all, the Republicans are starting to get fired up about John McCain again. McCain has been running for every presidential election since 1900. Every time, he loses a little bit of integrity, and comes that much closer to the nomination. This could be the year he finally gets it. Anyone catch McCain’s speeches lately? Has he always had those stubby little alligator arms, or is his body finally beginning to shrink, along with his credibility? McCain’s starting to talk about change, and it’s about damned time. Close your eyes and picture a politician that you’ve never seen before. White-haired conservative white guy is what I pictured. Anyone else?

Rudy Giuliani. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Barack Obama. Supposedly, Bush was the candidate people most wanted to have a beer with. Bullshit. Bush was the candidate people most wanted to do a line of cocaine with in the bathroom at a ZZ Top concert. Obama’s the candidate I’d most like to have a beer and a cigarette with in a jazz club. Did you see his speech at the 2004 Democratic convention? He’s got the youthful energy of a four year old, high on pixie sticks and Jolt soda. When I first started hearing Barack Obama, I thought “here’s a man with charisma. This pretty much assures that the Democrats will never nominate him.” After his win in Iowa, some of your traditional Democrats are freaking out. They’re so goddamned used to picking the wrong candidate year in and year out, that once they finally picked the right one, they’re convinced there must be some sort of conspiracy going on. Come on, people! He’s so dreeeeamy! He’s like the Kennedys. The good ones. Except, you know, black.

Obama’s the candidate that I’m most likely to be casting a vote for in the fall election. Rich, old white guys everywhere are beginning to freak the fuck out. Baby boomers are about to start dropping off like flies. Young people prefer Obama. Women prefer Obama. Republicans are starting to prefer Obama. Hillary’s still holding strong in one Demographic: elderly ladies with lots of cats. Which reminds me: if your pacemaker is likely to go out on you before the president takes office, just stop fucking voting, people!

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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