Is it more titties in my football, or more football in my titties?

Dear Murray,

i’ve got this friend that i’ve known for about 10 years or so, and the funny thing is that her husband and mine are best friends. whenever he comes back from being over at their house, or out to lunch with them or whatever, he’s always got a story or some drama to spill.

and it starts with her. the last time it was, “oh well she said that for as long as she’s known you you’ve only dated really rich preppy guys,”

which isn’t true. and moreover, why the fuck would you say shit like that? i never tell her husband about her antics (true or untrue) pre marriage to him… what the fuck is that about?

or this one time it was a girls night, we’re all sitting around, and someone says how cute me and my man are and she was getting sauced and announces to the group that my man didn’t even wanna go on our first date together, how he sat on their couch talking all kinds of shit about me… (wait, i’m not supposed to tell anyone)

i don’t get it murray. do i confront her or ignore her or what? if i confront her, then the menfolk will get involved, and i will be the bad guy. or do i wait and if she says something shitty just say, “why would you say something like that?”

WHAT DO I DO MURRAY

I HAVE NEVER IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE BEEN MORE THANKFUL TO BE A DUDE. WE are not required by law to ever discuss anything more than football and titties. SOMETIMES we even get complex and shit. “WE NEED MORE TITTIES IN MY FOOTBALL!” “NO! YOU’RE WRONG! WE NEED MORE FOOTBALL IN MY TITTIES!” The debate will become heated, we come to a compromise, problem forgotten.

A bitch will say some crazy ass things when someone else is the center of attention. “OH WELL HE DIDN”T LIKE YOU WHEN HE MET YOU.” “So what? your boobs are fake anyway!” “HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I HAVE… CLITORAL CANCER!” If that bitch was single, she’d be the bitch at the bar showin her tits for goddamned penny beer. She’s the bitch who sang that goddamned fucking Earl had to die song for 3 years straight at the Karaoke Shack. And she’ll be the same bitch in 20 years, crying into her sad, lonely ass bottle, mascara running down her face like one of them squirt gun races at the motherfuckin carnival. WONDERIN WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN HAD HER LIFE NOT GONE TO SUCH SHIT.

Shit. Who the fuck wants to be the center of attention, anyway? Well, I do, for one, but christ. I cannot help it that I was given the face of an Armani model, and the body of a Greek god. IT IS A MOTHERFUCKING BURDEN, NOT A GIFT, PEOPLE!

Christ. Just ignore the shit. She’ll do her own good job of pissing away her reputation and life, and you can…

WELL YOU CAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE IS WHAT YOU CAN DO!

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