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Internet Dating Disasters, episode 10: Lisa

Life can be rough, being in a brand new big city, not a goddamned friend in the whole town. You were just fired from your job. You’re collecting unemployment. Your day consists of: waking at 11, grabbing a breakfast burrito from Jim’s Burgers, an Oil Tanker Gulp– from 7-11 (your meal for the day), applying for jobs until 1, then masturbating to internet porn until you cry your sorry ass to sleep. Porn always makes me cry. Tears of joy!Enter Lisa to the rescue. Lisa told me her company could use the services of a wise-ass like me for freelance work. HALLELUJAH. I wouldn’t have to interrupt my jerk-off schedule much, and I could make some money. This is just the kind of opportunity that men dream of!

We made plans to meet up. She would drive up and pick me up (did I mention that my sorry ass was without wheels, too?), and we’d discuss over some drinks. So, I showered for the first time in a week, and did my best to avoid my drunken ass roommates. Mission: failure. The second they saw me washing my stinky ass, they KNEW something was up. Disaster was imminent. They were going to follow us everywhere we went.

Lisa called when she was outside, and I made a run for it. Balls out, hopped in the car, “hinicetomeetyouFUCKINSTEPONIT!” Lisa complied. As batshit crazy and drunk as my roomates were, I probably would have been safer in their car. Lisa hit 70 in about 2.5 seconds, speeding up Marengo in Pasadena, hung a left without slowing down, plastering my face against the passenger window. We came to a screeching halt at a stop sign in front of the Trader Joe’s, right in front of a COP. I mouthed to him “ARREST ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES,” but the look they gave me assured me that the best punishment they could give would be to leave me right where I was.

A few more hard lefts and rights, and we were in the clear. We stopped at some restaurant/bar, grabbed a spot on the patio, and I spent the next 20 minutes or so checking over my shoulder. All clear. That’s when I realized that this party wasn’t about my job skills. Lisa was dressed to the fuckin OC middle-aged divorcee NINES. GODDAMNIT, LADIES. All you want is the cock! I ain’t that cheap! Buy my ass a breakfast burrito first!

The night had begun with so-much promise. It was now flying straight off a fucking cliff. We ended up going to a bookstore, in different sections. I looked at photography books, for her, needlepoint.

How in the hell can a date/non-date start off with a high speed drunken chase, and end with a big ol’ giant fucking yawn, you ask?

This is the way the date ends. Not with a bang…

Categories: General Malaise Internet Dating Disasters

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.