Help! I’m farting and I can’t get up!

Dear Murray:

I have recently turned 40. (thanks for the comment pal)
anyway I have started farting since my birthday!! Its weird
we had soft non gassy foods at my celebration because
my teeth starting falling out a couple of days before my b-day and my doc said nothing spicy…Do think this is a sign from God or something..Also i have been peeing my
pants and laughing through my nose. Please tell me what you think is happening Murray, also I am wanting to eat
dinner at 4:15 please Murray help

Love Lisa

HEY LADY you’re one of the lucky ones! Me, I can’t eat eggs anymore without shitting my pants. Every time I go to the Awful Waffle and get the ol’ hairnet omelette, I end up doin’ the penguin walk to the nearest bathroom. And you’re complaining about a little gas???

Shit, lady, in a few years, you’ll be wearing diapers and you won’t even know that you’ve shat them until someone else tells you! Your reproductive organs are about to look like Auschwitz after they turned the gas off for good!

Maybe if you could go back, you’d reconsider that pork rinds and mountain dew diet, but it’s way too late for you, lard ass! You shoulda gotten your annual tune ups, or at least changed the oil on your shit every once in a while. Now, you realize you’ve got a lemon and your WARRANTY IS EXPIRED. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Suck it up, lady. Soon enough, you’ll be in a nursing home, and you won’t even have to get off your ass to change your diapers. That’s motherfuckin’ convenience! That’s the AMERICAN DREAM! Live it up, lady. Live it up.

Now leave me the fuck alone.