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Archive February 2008

Stalking you, stalking me 2

Feb29

Creepin’ christ, you fucking kooks. Dearmurray.com is a privately-owned blog. If I had corporate backing, do you think my site would look so shitty and be powered by WordPress with a fucking out of the box premade template? Oh, and wordpress is a free install with a godaddy hosting account, dipshits. No domain mapping whatever bullshit necessary. Hell, I managed to get that far in setting this shit up before I had to pay some dude a 12 pack to set my shit up right.

Experience the wonders of the intranets

I’m in cahoots with the mob by now, I’m sure. Next thing you know, I’ll be funneling money over seas or some shit. Or connected to big oil, or some shit.

DearMurray.com is not a new site. It has been running for over two fucking years now. Interrupted only for a short time when someone forgot to pay the bill. My myspace page has been running for almost four years now. What fucking business runs on myspace two years before launching a web site? That’s four fucking years without a dime of profit (hint: pay me, bitches). Not that I won’t sell out, given the opportunity. (Contact me about getting your corporate logo right on my middle finger.)

There’s a whole bunch of motherfuckers with Admin access to this fucking site, and none of them are Jews. Maybe if I knew some Jews, I’d be turning a profit on this shit by now, eh?

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Goin to the Chapel, and We’re… Gonna Get Herpes 6

Feb25

Dear Murray:

I need your help. I have this friend who has been in a relationship for about 10 years. They’ve been engaged for the past four years, but about a year ago, my friend got suspicious of her fiance and went through his wallet. She found out that he had been soliciting prostitutes. The next thing I knew, she had stepped up their wedding plans. All she could talk about was the wedding. Well, time goes by, and everything is all fine and dandy with their wedding plans, but then she was going through his email and found emails from where he’d been soliciting sex on craigslist ads. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her, but we’re hanging out soon. What should I tell her? I don’t want to make her mad at me, but should I tell her to dump the guy? Please help.

-Lost in Las Vegas

Well, first things first. Is your friend mildly retarded? Is she a codependent child of an alcoholic father? Self-esteem of a 13 year old with glasses, acne, AND braces?

There is a time for fighting for your true love and there is a time when you’re just a pathetic cling-on. THEY LOOK SO MUCH THE SAME.

Rushing the wedding plans? FUCK. He did it once, so she fucking thought she’d rush that shit and stake her claim on him, and it would all work out fine. Hubby would settle down and not cruise for $20 BJs no more no more. Ain’t gonna cruise no more. Good fucking luck. I’ve never solicited a prostitute myself, but I got a feeling that shit is like crack. Once you cross that fucking line into paying for hookers, you can’t get enough! Hell, you pick her up, do the business, kick her out of your car. Obviously, this mothafucka can’t exactly afford the hooker lovin lifestyle, so he’s turned to craigslist where he can get it for FREE.

And your friend just keeps taking him back. Christ, I swear I saw this shit on Lifetime. She gets genital warts and then they have to go in with like a woodburning needle and burn half her cervix away and shit. She can never have babies and don’t we feel so sorry for her blahblahblah.

Grab her by the ears and tell her BITCH! HERPES WILL BE YOUR FRIEND FOREVER (lylas)! If she still can’t get a fucking clue, I suggest you write this one off, and find yourself some less pathetic friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

A Stripper’s Bloody Dilemma 2

Feb23

Dear Murray:

I’ve always been curious about how strippers deal with the flow. Although the Mesopotamians (hell, every ancient culture) believed that women shouldn’t work, prepare food, or travel whilst bleeding, modern girls can’t just take a week off. But what if you work naked? Thongs with a tampon string hanging out are so not hot, cramps aside.

And the blood-smeared pole-ew! I’m sure some working girls read your column; after all, the hos do love Murray. He reminds them of that one creepy uncle, I think. Will you find out for me, please?

Also, find out if we can re-institute the menstrual taboo against working. Then, support me.

-Tired of working the bloody chain gang

You know, I’ve never once contemplated this shit in my life, but now I’m having 126147562456456 close calls and business ideas pop inna my head. Think of all the possibilities!

You know there’s plenty of goth mothafuckas out there who would pay top dollah to watch a girl roll around on the stage, rubbing her menstrual blood all over herself. Yes! We won’t even need a regular cast of strippers. Flowing and can’t strip at your normal club? Moonlight at Murray’s House of Hos n’ Flows! Leave your mark on our Jack the Slipper n’ Slide!

Head on down to our Red Sea Diver cafe (complete with submarine theme) for Chef Flo’s signature White Asparagus in Ketchup! You won’t know it’s not bloody alien cock!

The possibilities are endless: girl-on-girl tampon jousts with real blood! Flowing contests for distance/volume/accuracy! It’ll be pure Bloody Bloody Bedlam!*

Hell, this place is gonna be so much fucking fun, we’re gonna have girls trying to extend their periods just to spend more time at MHoHnF. I wonder how we’ll get around the Health Dept. Inspection?

Ideas are welcome.

That’s what I’d do if I were a stripper. Well, that, or just wear one of these.

But my idea seems somehow much less goddamned hippie.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

* Murray’s House of Hos n’ Flows is not responsible for damaged brought about by anemia caused as a result of enjoying flowing too much at MHoHnF. Flow wisely.

Dear Murray accused of assault with a deadly copy & paste! 12

Feb21

This morning, I received the following email:

From:
Larry Sinclair (Add as Preferred Sender) ?
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2008 10:13 am
To: murray@dearmurray.com
Murray, this cooment I am sure will be edited to your needs. However, I am notifying you that the comments you have cut and pasted from comments section on my youtube video are not authorized to be posted in your hilarious attempts to discredit me. Notice is hereby given tat if my comments taken from other web sites are not removed this date, 2/21/08 from the dear murray dot com site you will be serve with legal process. You may refer to said comments and where they may be found, but you may not post them on your site.

Do as you wish, but you are notified to remove them imediately.

Mr. Sinclair, first I’d like you to familiarize yourself with your computer’s spell checker, then please familiarize yourself with the term fair use. You see, nobody needs your permission or Cao’s permission, or YouTube’s permission or WhiteHouse.com‘s permission to quote snippets of its content, so long as it fits the parameters of fair use. The smaller the snippet, the more likely it is to be determined to be “fair use.” i.e., what I can’t do is copy the code for Cao’s site and clone it on my site and claim it as my own. To quote one snippet (where I’ve even attributed the source) is 100% within the definition of “fair use.”

So, you’re completely full of shit, and all this complaining about people reposting your video has even less credibility. So, if anyone’s falling for the lawsuit shit, you need to back away from your computer for a while. Only YouTube has the standing to protect material posted on its site that it deems proprietary. So, please, by all means, write YouTube and beg them to sue a bunch of sites for reposting your content hosted on YouTube. I hope you do sue them to reveal everyone’s private information, because I want to get in on some of this lawsuit action. I’ve got hemmorhoids that look just like Eddie Money, and I want YouTube to pay my medical bills!

Thank you, however, for claiming ownership of all of the quotes that I’ve attributed to you. Now, you and your YouTube army of goons (or “The Sunshine Club”, isn’t that their new Kool Aid-drinking gang name?) won’t be able to claim that you didn’t make those comments later on.

You really do need to start talking to a lawyer, though, about these things, and stop going around threatening to sue the whole entire internet. Then again, in this day and age, a lawsuit threat from Larry means you’ve finally made it! One would think, with this much ballyhooed secret treasure chest of proof you claim to have, you’d spend a little more time working on putting that together, and a little less time threatening to sue the whole fucking innerweb.

I suggest you begin your lawyer search by looking at the ads on the back of buses and phone books that say “Accidentes!”

For further hilarity, listen to Cao’s interview with Larry. More appropriately titled “Larry rambles on and on and on about Dear Murray.” Better yet, let’s play a drinking game. Every time you hear my name mentioned, take a shot. Be sure to arrange for a designated driver first!

Perhaps soon, I’ll post the emails Larry sent me on YouTube where he: Demanded that I identify myself to him and “who I was working for.” (I work for Huckabee, the future President of Jesusland), told me he had a lawyer filing a civil case against Obama and Axelrod and the DNC (he was referring to his other self, in the other room at the time, scribbling out the forms), threatened that a reporter would be contacting me soon (sadly, I didn’t even get a reporter from a fake gmail account… what am I here, chopped liver?), and concludes his ranting by asking me for tech support on how to upload a video to YouTube. Stay tuned!

Now, to answer the ridiculous questions you asked Dan Parisi regarding me, implying that he sold you out or something, I was in LA, because I have lived in LA for over six years now. We all thought you were in New York. We knew you were in LA from your little psychotic episode that you had on YouTube telling everyone that you were in LA, at the Checkers Hotel, and trying to extort money from them. I know that area well, because I worked at Wilshire and Figueroa, about three blocks away for about three freakin years. I know every restaurant in that area, and have eaten at most of them. So I sent out the info that I was meeting with my lawyer at the Water Grill (where I’ve eaten many times. i recommend the morel mushrooms, when they’re in season) to FUCK with you/your people. Then, I had a good laugh, and had dinner with my girlfriend, at home. The tactic evidently worked, though, if you were blowing up Parisi’s inbox about it. Honestly, it creeped me out a bit, since we were all told this was going down in NYC, and you were telling everyone that you were in LA. Why the hell were you in MY town, instead of NYC where you were supposed to be? Creepy. Then, we learned that the whole NYC thing was a trick.

Middle-Aged Whore-in-Training 1

Feb20

Dear Murray:

Okay, here’s the story:

We’ve been apart on and off for about 4 months now. You probably remember me from a situation that happened here with him a month and a half ago..the whole thing was a bunch of crap and he lied big time about us not being together..but anyway, He’s been online meeting other females, took them out when we weren’t together for a day or two..and he doesn’t consider that cheating..whatever! 2 days ain’t shit, feel me..anyway..after all this time he keeps coming back to me telling me to work things out and stuff but I dont’ know if I can trust him anymore. I feel that if he was sneaky before like this then he’ll do it again right..anyway..my main question is, he wants me to go with him to AC this weekend but I’m not sure if I should go. I dont’ want to get used for some weekend sex and then when we get back from Atlantic City, he acts up again. The last time we had sex was a month ago, so I know he’s a horny toad and I dont’ want to give in and be hurt in the long run. What should I do? He’s constantly calling now and looks for me, something which he never really does, so it’s making me think maybe he does wanna work things out, but I dont’ know if I should or just let him go completely. Help!

-On Again, Off Again

It’s times like these that makes a man wish he was pro-gun and kept an arsenal of automatic weapons at his disposal. Why the fuck do you people look for advice? Do you expect a mothafucka to say “Oh, dearie, hang in there. He’ll see the light!”

What should you do? Per this situation, or in general? I’d suggest sipping on a cocktail of roofies with a twist of lime. There’s no fucking hope for you. You’ll cling onto any motherfucker who gives you the time of day. It’s not even about this particular guy. ‘Cause it’s pretty fucking obvious that his interest in you is about as limited as my chances of finding any good new porn starring Dana Plato.

So, what the fuck is your problem? Is it pure and rampant stupidity? Did your father keep pawning your Barbie collection to buy hookers and crack? How does someone get as fucking whiny and codependent as you?

So, this raises the question. Why the fuck are we so afraid to dump a motherfucker? He says he can change! I owe him, ’cause when I was down and out, he bought me breakfast at Jack in the Box! You will consistently meet fuckers like this who will not really be interested in you, and you’ll be convinced every single one of them is “the one.”

Think for a minute about all those middle aged whores you see who have been married 16752664561654 times and fucking hate everyone. I’ve never met one of those, but do keep in touch, because that’s gonna be you.

Thank you for ensuring the token middle aged tramp on valium population isn’t going to skip a generation.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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