2008 March | Dear Murray

Monthly Archives: March 2008

Did anyone ever tell you you look like?

March 27, 2008 – 11:08 am

Dear Murray,

Why do so many strangers think I look like someone they know? Is the gene pool slipping so much that we are all looking alike? Should I just become a body double?

Signed,
No, I’m not that guy.

You know it’s a sad state of society when one of the first questions potential datees ask you is “what celebrity do people tell you you look like?” Fuck, they even put that question on internet dating sites. I always answered the question as honestly as I could. (I look like Nipsy Russell, mothafucka!)

I think it has more to do with the fact that we all feel so lost in this fucking world and need a point of reference for everything. Anything new is SCARY. Shit, it fucks up associations, too. You look like some chick’s best friend from high school, therefore, YOU WILL NEVER TASTE OF HER SWEETNESS. Get plastic surgery, or give it up, DUCKY! Your ass’ll never get the pussy!

That shit can come in handy, too, though. When I split with one of my exes ya know what the first thing I did was? I found some girl who looked just fucking like her. We banged a few times, and then I never talked to her again. It sure the fuck made me feel better!

It’s true that the gene pool has become shallow and infested with sharks, but I think this shit has more to do with the fact that people are boring. We’ve got nothing to talk about, so we rely on a few tried and true favorites to start a conversation. “Do you like sushi?” “Do you like anal sex?” and “Man, you know, you reaally look like my 10th grade chemistry partner!”

What the fuck can you say to that? “So, did ya fuck him?”

That response seems to work wonders, no matter who the fuck they tell ya that you look like (my ex-boyfriend, my bible school teacher, my father…)

Shuts them up faster than anything.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

By Dear Murray | Posted in Stupid White People | Comments (0)

Does this blog make me look fat?

March 19, 2008 – 11:32 am

Dear Murray,

Let’s share the love a little bit, here. After all those shrill, self-righteous rants I just read against fat people, I’m feeling a little left out. You see, I’m a recovering anorexic. I am 5′8″ tall, and at various points in my life I’ve weighed as little as 85 pounds. I have never tried to blame my condition on the media, or anything but my own sick psyche.

However, since I notice that people without eating disorders are usually the ones most eager to “cast the first stone”, I say let’s spread the hatred around! This world is so much nicer when we’re all judging one another, don’t you think?

Inkchica

“You ain’t nothin but a bag of bones, covered in a thin layer of FAG.” God, I loved Kids in the Hall.

Watching TV and getting sucked into pop culture’ll definitely put the fear of lard in ya. I do think bulemia and anorexia are passe these days, in favor of even more psyche-damaging fads like ATKINS. The fuck is going on here? Carl’s, Jr. has this creepy giant hamburger wrapped only in lettuce. What kinda ghetto fucking meal is that? WHEN WILL THE MEATSHAKE ARRIVE? COME THE REVOLUTION, COME THE MEATSHAKE.

The world would be such a better fucking place if we all knew how to use moderation, eh? Walk the middle way path of the Buddha, and we’ll all be happy and healthy and the world would have no fucking variety. Skinny people would have no fat people to make fun of. Fat people would have no anorexic people to make fun of. It’s such a wonderful symbiosis.

The people in the middle have the biggest dilemma. In a world where you are defined by your adversities and disorders, HOW CAN MR./MRS. AVERAGE GET AN INVITE TO BE ON RICKI LAKE MOTHAFUCKA! My entire empire of dirt for just one GO RICKI!

You’re no different. We all got something we have to crutch onto. C.F.S, A.D.D., pay ATTENTION TO ME!

Have you noticed how it’s fucking trendy to be in therapy these days? Are we really this fucked as a society? A: YES! I’m thinking of going into therapy on account of I’ve developed a complex due to the fact that all of my friends are in therapy.

Were you one of those people who would do like 500 sit ups a night, ’cause you were feeling guilty about that small order of french fries you had at lunch? Christ. Eat a sammich already.

Now leave me the fuck alone.