Dear Murray

Dear Murray,I need some advice,er wisdom on how to be a truly better person & not just a simpleton/catatonic/knee-jerk ‘Do-Gooder’!I already have a head start as I do not write ‘poetry’/am not a poet(yippie!) and also ‘offed’ my first (and last) life-coach.I now have a life cheerleader,but ‘she’ is a horse-hung tranny who is not proficient at espousing anything of value!
Peace(Chaos?!) & Thanks,Cary/ZiA

You’re off on the right foot. Every self-aware person needs a good tranny telling them what to do. Just make sure you never, ever forget the reacharound! He/she will grab you by the ears and fuck your life hard if you forget that.

Are you knocking poets? I’ll have you know I’m a licensed practitioner of the poemetry. At the very least, you could use some of the practice at slowing the fuck down withtherunonsentences it would give you.

Have you read the Bhagavad Gita, ya hippie? In it, Arjuna gets all whiny “OH KRISHNA, KRISHNA, I can’t go to war. Killin’ is wrong!” Krishna smacks the whiny little bitch around and tells him he’s being selfish. “If he wasn’t your cousin, you woulda already stabbed him and fucked the wound, so shaddup, ya pussy!” My sanskrit is a little rusty, though, so I’m paraphrasing.

ANYDAMNEDHOW. It’s the same with good deed doing. Good deed doing has become pretty fucking pointless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did something for someone. You want a fucking medal? YES. Everyone wants the goddamned medal. Feeding the homeless is a ripe (in more ways than one) opportunity for press! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO GOOD! HALP PEOPLE! Bullshit. We don’t have to do a goddamned thing but eat, drink, shit, watch football and die.

Would anyone be doing good for anyone else if it weren’t for the medals and keys to the city and the GENUINE Kodak moments and the tax breaks and the great Nobel circle jerk? Highly doubtful.

Anyhow, quit your fucking whining and worrying about what you should be or wanna be or coulda been. If you feel like doing something, do it. If you don’t, don’t. Just don’t get caught up in all that IF I DO THIS WHAT WILL IT GET ME bullshit. Then, you’ll be just another empty cocksucker, like the rest of them.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:I made a few rape jokes at work and a couple of people got really worked up about it. Are these jokes off limits? They were really funny.

Thanks,

Dre

Ain’t nothin that gets people’s panties all balled and gagged like a good RAPE joke!

A few years ago, I was in the movie theater with an ex, and we were watching WHITE CHICKS. Why we chose to see that movie instead of walking down a dark alley and getting raped, I’ll never know. Some old crazy bitch somehow snuck in the theater, and provided a running commentary. She’d shout out random shit like “I’VE GOT PUDDING! PUDDING IN MY PUSSY!” Really good shit. Anyhow, the first time Marlon Wayans appeared on the screen, she stood up and started yelling “RAPE! HEEEE RAPED ME! HE RAAAAPED ME!” Security then swooped in, and ushered her out. You can guess at just what kinda humor cliff the rest of the movie went straight the fuck over, which proves that what that movie needed was more rape. Much, much more rape.

Don’t trust a motherfucker who tells you _________ isn’t funny. The hell it ain’t. Anything has the potential to be funny. Aids, crack babies, rape, child molestors. This shit has all grown so commonplace in our society that everyone makes some joke or other on these issues. That’s why we all know what the hell someone’s talking about when they say “LOOK AT THAT RAPE VAN! AHAHA!” Chester the Molestor!

Motherfuckers need to lighten the fuck up. We treat this shit like it’s something you ain’t never ever gonna recover from. Nobody’s out there saying “AHAHAHA! YOU GOT RAPED! PWNED!!” Unless, of course, it’s to Michael Vick. On the other hand, treating this shit like it’s delicate fucking china is just going to fuck people up worse. We treat rape victims like they will never ever recover from this shit. Victim 4 life.

The truth is, people can and do recover from this shit once everyone around them stops telling them that they can’t.

There is no subject that is off-limits. Not a goddamned one. The trick is to be able to maintain tact, which most people wouldn’t even recognize if it raped them in the goddamned forehead.

Now leave me the fuck alone.