Dear Murray
My boyfriend is obsessed with comic books and video games. Lately, I haven’t been getting any action at all. He stays up all hours of the night playing the X-box, and I go to bed early and alone. Do I have to smash the game into a million pieces? How can I turn his interest back to me?
-Alone in Atwater
Will you shut up until I finish this game? Fuck. You made me fucking lose, goddammit. I know the games can be addictive and all, but I find it hard to believe mothafuckas would rather play that shit than bang. Maybe TV really is rotting our fucking brains.
I think the most bizarre encounter I ever witnessed was in college. The internet was a tiny collection of geeks (such as myself) back then. I walked my girlfriend to her dorm, and walking back to mine, I went into the all night computer lab to check my email. It’s about 2 in the morning and I’m stoned out of my mind, but this giant hairy dude was having a conversation with another guy about MUDs. Multi-User Dungeons. It’s the geekiest thing ever invented. It’s like they combined a chat room with a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I only tried that shit once, and people kept coming in and out and I would try shit like “smacks you upside the head with his giant lingam” but apparently the cock swat doesn’t have much power in dweebland. So I witness this conversation:
hairy dude: i’m stuck in my game…
computer labbie dude: oh no
hairy dude: i need more disk space…
computer labbie dude: (looks around over his shoulders then whispers) be here at 7 a.m… i can get you 8 MEGS.
I just witnessed a motherfucking drug deal go down, where the drug equals disk space and the dealer and dealee equals two total gamer fags. Christ. It felt so dirty.
Does your boyfriend ever get so aroused that he jerks off to comics? If he’d rather do that shit than do you, there could be something serious going on there. So, give him a choice or drop the motherfucker. There are plenty of other fetishes out there.
Get yourself a nice boy who will wear your panties.
Now leave me the fuck alone.
Categories: Limp Dicks
Dear Murray
Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.
He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".
His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.
A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.
It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.
He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.
Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.