Dear Murray,
I’m six years younger than him, but already I can tell I’ve been through so much more Life. He sounds so naive sometimes, and I haven’t even told him. Oh Murray, I just couldn’t bear to see him hurt.
What am I to do?
-Wise Beyond My Years
You have a duty to break that mothafucka in right. There’s no room for naivety in this goddamned world. Ya gotta have street smarts if you’re gonna survive.
It’s gonna happen sooner or later. Someone’s gonna do something shitty, and it’s gonna click. PEOPLE ARE MEAN. PEOPLE ARE BAD. PEOPLE ARE SHITTY. Suck it up, mothafucka, ’cause there’s a whole lot more where that came from.
It might be cute for awhile, but that shit gets old faster than anything. You wanna have to lead someone through life by the goddamned hand? You’ll end up strung out on whatever the closest pill is that you can find. It’s hard enough to worry about your own damned self, pay rent, keep your integrity and all that bullshit. BUT YOU WANNA GO and try to protect some Forrest Gump from the bad things in the world?
I can save your ass some trouble and Mapquest the shortest route to the looney bin for ya now.
I’m not in the business of getting kittens out of trees. If they don’t find their own way down, then they must like being up there. I’m not gonna let ’em pull me up with ’em.
Now leave me the fuck alone.
Categories: General Malaise
Dear Murray
Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.
He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".
His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.
A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.
It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.
He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.
Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.