Dear Murray
So I’ve been invited to a “friend of a friend’s” house for Dinner. And although I’m very grateful (I’ve met these people 2-3 times), I’m a little apprehensive. They’re kind, eloquent, educated, and planning on having a houseful of 12-16 sort-of-strangers at their house for Dinner. Everyone’s brining a dish, and a good time will be had by all. The problem? I have a KILLER case of IBS and they only have one bathroom—a split bath at that, with the toilet portion being right next to the dining room (where everyone will be hanging out all night.
Now, it’s not bad enough that I have to eat a specialized diet, carry around Kleenex brand “tidy-wipes” for those messy shits I have to take in public restrooms. Now I have to hold in my diarrhea either until I get back home (which will be completely impossible), or risk shitting up a major storm three feet from the dinner table with only a thin wooden door separating my bowels from the bowels of the turkey. The real clincher is since it’s a split bath, I can’t even run water while my shit sprays out like a fire hose. And if anyone reading this has IBS, they know that my shit will *not* smell pretty. Imagine a dead skunk underneath your house in Phoenix after 3 weeks of decomposition.
Any advice? I can’t refuse to eat their food, and I can’t run downstairs and take a big shit on the corner of Haight and Ashbury in the middle of a festive dinner (I think that may be illegal anyway, although this is the Haight). Plus, the longer I wait the more my bowels will rumble. After about half an hour it starts to sound like the Loma Prieta earthquake in there.What do I do?
Bowel-Johnny from Austin, TX
Wow. You people have some serious problems. It’s a sick world, and Murray’s a happy guy. Well, you definitely don’t wanna carry any of that Pine spray with ya, cause it doesn’t cover anything, then instead of smelling like shit, it just smells like a bear fucking shit in the woods. But listen, you’re talking about the Haight, and I know the kinda smells going on around there. Your shit can’t come nowhere near the funk of Patchouli. It smells like hippie sex. So they ain’t even gonna notice. Fuck, they’ll probably roll their eyes up say “woah. heaaaavy. someone’s burning incense.”
So, you just have to cover your ass for the sound. No pun intended. Ahh, fuck it. I intended it. SO FUCK YOU! HAHAH. That’s easy, too. Every fucking hippie worth his goddamn baggy white jumpsuit carries one of these with him. So buy one of those, and take it in the bathroom. Whenever ol’ faithless is about to blow, just start banging on those motherfuckers and shouting shit in Hindi. They’ll ask you to play their next party.
Now leave me the fuck alone.
Categories: General Malaise
Dear Murray
Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.
He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".
His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.
A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.
It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.
He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.
Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.