Menu Home

Help! I’m farting and I can’t get up!

Dear Murray:

I have recently turned 40. (thanks for the comment pal)
anyway I have started farting since my birthday!! Its weird
we had soft non gassy foods at my celebration because
my teeth starting falling out a couple of days before my b-day and my doc said nothing spicy…Do think this is a sign from God or something..Also i have been peeing my
pants and laughing through my nose. Please tell me what you think is happening Murray, also I am wanting to eat
dinner at 4:15 please Murray help

Love Lisa

HEY LADY you’re one of the lucky ones! Me, I can’t eat eggs anymore without shitting my pants. Every time I go to the Awful Waffle and get the ol’ hairnet omelette, I end up doin’ the penguin walk to the nearest bathroom. And you’re complaining about a little gas???

Shit, lady, in a few years, you’ll be wearing diapers and you won’t even know that you’ve shat them until someone else tells you! Your reproductive organs are about to look like Auschwitz after they turned the gas off for good!

Maybe if you could go back, you’d reconsider that pork rinds and mountain dew diet, but it’s way too late for you, lard ass! You shoulda gotten your annual tune ups, or at least changed the oil on your shit every once in a while. Now, you realize you’ve got a lemon and your WARRANTY IS EXPIRED. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Suck it up, lady. Soon enough, you’ll be in a nursing home, and you won’t even have to get off your ass to change your diapers. That’s motherfuckin’ convenience! That’s the AMERICAN DREAM! Live it up, lady. Live it up.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Categories: Limp Dicks Old farts

Dear Murray

Dear Murray a tasty, tasty bitch beloved and feared by hordes of basement-dwelling illiterati and their fierce antagonists, the Grammar Nazis. He single-handedly turned the webcam whorefest of Myspace into a lively commerce of ideas, including whether or not the TUBGIRL photo will ever be topped as a postmodern expression of the inexpressible. According to web historians, he has inspired more photoshop projects and syphilis jokes than Britney Spears (who he has been repeatedly linked romantically to). He is also rumoured to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a disciple of Cliff Yablonski, and the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Although he could not be reached for comment, he reportedly resides in or near the tent cities along the LA River Basin, third right after the walrus sunning station.

He has vehemently denied all charges that he is any any way responsible for that rash your wife claims "is from the heat".

His primary function is doling out advice; the inspiration sprang from an endless and eventually dull repetition of fucktards failed to heed his words.

A secondary result is a dysfunctional family "round table" of people who contribute innumerable one-liners and personal experiences, rarely related in any way to the actual question.

It is estimated that tens of thousands of readers have "LOL'd" approximately 5,395,645,694,167,467,105 times, with the toll expected to rise.

He is immune to kryptonite, chlamydia, and brainwashing.

Wikipedia has banned PENCILTITS's entry, debating the relevance of his tasty bitchiness.