-Disgruntled worker

Damn, this is exactly the kind of big brotha motherfuckin bullshit I try to avoid in my life. Mothafuckas think that because they give you a paycheck they got every right to be in your business.

Yes, a paycheck is a little difficult to come by in the Bush regime, but mothafuck. What next? They gonna start following you around with a piss cup? Shit, I once went to apply for a fuckin job working at a Village Pantry fucking convenience store and they wanted me to piss in a cup. You can’t sell smokes and scratch’em lotto tickets if you’re takin’ the pot!

I’m about to go absolute apeshit today. There are fewer and fewer areas of life that are safe from our motherfuckin’ government and/or motherfuckin employers digging into. It makes me wanna find some company that monitors your internet usage and start browsing on how to build pipebombs and how to kidnap your boss for ransom and shit.

Why do we stand back and take this shit? Why do we motherfuckin say “sure, i’ll piss in your cup!”???? Are we this fuckin’ desperate for money?

I’ll piss in your motherfuckin candy dish motherfucker! Shitdamn motherfucka. This shit is bursting a vessel in my forehead. Quit those motherfuckas a.s.a.p. Walk the fuck out if you gotta. Otherwise, you’re just perpetuating the constant bullshit from the MAN.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

What are your thoughts on prostitution? Should it be legalized or not? It sucks having to go all the way to Tijuana to get some easy ass.
-Horny in Hollywood

Lemme tell ya, it’s a sad fucking cuntry we live in when you can sell your soul, but you can’t sell your ass. So, let’s combine these two pasttimes, why don’t we? First, we legalize prostitution. Then, we can regulate it, tax it, and make sure the hookers are clean. Then, we take that motherfucker to Wall Street. That’s right. Whores, Inc., is gonna be the fucking biggest IPO ever to hit. Fuckers are gonna go crazy when our ticker symbol comes across the screen:

HO +45.23I CAN BUY THAT NEW HOUSE! Sure, it’s gonna have its ups and downs: condom shortages, natural drop in consumer demand right after xmas, but hell. I think the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine would be a buncha motherfucking suits running around freaking the fuck out. OH MY GOD! CHLAMYDIA OUTBREAK! WHORES ARE DOWN! SELL! SELL! SEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL! That’s like xmas, the 4th of July, and Bastille Day all rolled into one, right there.We launch Jan. 1. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Help me out please. I need an idea of how to exact my revenge without getting arrested.

Here’s why:
I’ve worked at this piece of shit company for a little over a year now. I was hired to do HR work and instead I get to do bullshit secretary work. The execs at this place are all chauvinistic pigs (I wasn’t aware of this when I accepted the job) and have spent the last year showing me exactly how little they respect me.

First my ideas were dismissed. Then I was ignored. Then I was really ignored. Then my ideas were stolen. Then I heard I wasn’t taken seriously because of how I dressed (and no, I don’t dress like a fucking hobo). Then what few HR projects I had, were given to the finance guy (cuz that makes perfect sense). Then I was regarded as the office whore (which is not legit).

Of course I’ve done the obvious and gotten a new job. However, I decided to man the fuck up and finish my two weeks (regretting it as we speak).

So in my last two weeks of hell how can I get back at them without anyone knowing?

Thanks,
Really fucking pissed off in Wyoming

There is no more powerful (wo)man in the world than ONE WHO HAS JUST TURNED IN THEIR RESIGNATION. Who the hell you gotta impress? It’s the one chance you’ll ever have to rain truth bombs all over that shithole you invested ALL THOSE GODDAMNED WASTED YEARS on.

What? You walking gingerly to get yourself one a them there precious referrals? Only a true ASSKISSER would finish that shit quietly. SPEAK SOME TROOF!

Yo, Indian guy in IT. You’re supposed to EAT THE CURRY, not slather it all over your body like you’re turning yourself into a walking homage to Ganesha’s asshole. If I have to smell your ass for one more week, I’ll never fucking eat tikki masala AGAIN!

Gary, in sales. When you laugh, it sounds like two elderly porpoises fucking. Seriously, I can’t UNDERSTAND why your wife just divorced your ass! I’m gonna have nightmares the rest of my life where I hear your laugh, have Vietnam-like flashbacks, and wake up choking the shit outta my girlfriend. If I could have the part of my memory that contains your fucking laugh surgically removed with a fucking chisel, I would.

Sue, you fucking cunt. You know why people don’t get more shit done around here? It takes TWO FUCKING hours to do anything, and 1 hour 45 minutes of that involves you standing at their desk bitching and whining about it. If you really want to increase productivity, you’ll spend that time licking your own asshole. That’s a more productive use of your jaw muscles than having to sit here listening to your whiny fucking voice. Your ass really needs to get laid. I hear Gary’s available.

HEY, FAT HORNY GUY. You know when we’re on the elevator, and a pretty girl steps off, the doors close, and you nudge me and say “did ya see that?” YOU FAT FUCK, you are WAY too fucking sexually excited to be touching me right fucking now. Now I’m gonna have to break into the cleaning closet and wash my arms in fucking BORAX just to rid my body of your festering pheromones. We both know you’ll be in the bathroom tugging your puny little pud in five minutes, and that’s cutting it way too close in the time between your hands touching me and your hands touching your dick. Keep the masturbation fantasies to yourself, motherfucker! If you can’t, then go tell ‘em to GARY.

And you, Fred. You’re the worst of them all. I started listening to death metal at my desk because it was the ONLY THING POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DROWN OUT YOUR OBNOXIOUS VOICE. And I FUCKING hate death metal! I hate death metal more than anything and everything in this world except for the sound of your voice, so it was an easy decision. I suggest you get yourself a horse muzzle and strap that shit on, for always. There is nothing worse in this here life than overhearing a conversation between you and Gary. Between your voice and his laugh, I fucking swear a vortex is gonna open up and suck this whole company down into the fire of fucking hell.

And I don’t wanna be here when that happens, so that’s why I’m resigning.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

I have been contemplating leaving my job for another one. What should I do?

-C

Ahh, hell. If you’re thinking about it enough to use words like “contemplating”, then you should have quit that shithole job a long time ago. You should update your resume and canvas all the job sites. Meanwhile, look into scoring yourself a sexual harrassment case or a frivolous work-related injury lawsuit to get the fuck out of there NOW. Once you give two weeks notice, you have a license for complete and total honesty with your coworkers. Like that fucking guy two cubicles down who sounds like two porpoises mating when he fucking laughs. Dude? Really? You just got divorced? I NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING GUESSED THAT ONE!

Once you get that new job making a ton more money, come support Murray so he can be shiftless and lazy. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Thanks,

Dre

Ain’t nothin that gets people’s panties all balled and gagged like a good RAPE joke!

A few years ago, I was in the movie theater with an ex, and we were watching WHITE CHICKS. Why we chose to see that movie instead of walking down a dark alley and getting raped, I’ll never know. Some old crazy bitch somehow snuck in the theater, and provided a running commentary. She’d shout out random shit like “I’VE GOT PUDDING! PUDDING IN MY PUSSY!” Really good shit. Anyhow, the first time Marlon Wayans appeared on the screen, she stood up and started yelling “RAPE! HEEEE RAPED ME! HE RAAAAPED ME!” Security then swooped in, and ushered her out. You can guess at just what kinda humor cliff the rest of the movie went straight the fuck over, which proves that what that movie needed was more rape. Much, much more rape.

Don’t trust a motherfucker who tells you _________ isn’t funny. The hell it ain’t. Anything has the potential to be funny. Aids, crack babies, rape, child molestors. This shit has all grown so commonplace in our society that everyone makes some joke or other on these issues. That’s why we all know what the hell someone’s talking about when they say “LOOK AT THAT RAPE VAN! AHAHA!” Chester the Molestor!

Motherfuckers need to lighten the fuck up. We treat this shit like it’s something you ain’t never ever gonna recover from. Nobody’s out there saying “AHAHAHA! YOU GOT RAPED! PWNED!!” Unless, of course, it’s to Michael Vick. On the other hand, treating this shit like it’s delicate fucking china is just going to fuck people up worse. We treat rape victims like they will never ever recover from this shit. Victim 4 life.

The truth is, people can and do recover from this shit once everyone around them stops telling them that they can’t.

There is no subject that is off-limits. Not a goddamned one. The trick is to be able to maintain tact, which most people wouldn’t even recognize if it raped them in the goddamned forehead.

Now leave me the fuck alone.