Dear Murray» Dear Murray: Real Advice for Real People http://dearmurray.com Real Advice for Real People Wed, 21 Jul 2010 06:39:01 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Which Domestic Violence Movie are YOU? http://dearmurray.com/which-domestic-violence-movie-are-you/ http://dearmurray.com/which-domestic-violence-movie-are-you/#comments Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:57:00 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/?p=241 Dear Murray,

My fiance’ was in an abusive marriage before I met her. Her ex-husband is like the King of Douches. How can I deal with this problem without involving police, or at least becoming a suspect?

Overprotective in Wisconsin

Haha. Sucks to be you! Here, you thought you were just settling in for some easy regular action. Now, you’ve gone and gotten yourself in the plot of a Lifetime movie. On the plus side, at least you’re banging Valerie Bertinelli.

There are two main reasons a dude beats his woman. Either she taped over the Super Bowl with some RuPaul Drag Race bullshit, or the dude’s got a dick about the right size to fill an ant’s twat (and still leave room for a reacharound). Since you didn’t fess up to beating her any, too, we’re gonna have to guess it’s the latter.

So, here’s the other part that sucks for you. Lifetime movies always end the same way. Someone burns a bed, and your ass gets sent to the pokey. Now, if this was HBO, there’d be an insurance policy out on you, and she’d be banging Christian Slater.

Let’s take a little quiz, and see just which movie you’re in. Don’t anybody go and steal my thunder and start a Facebook “Which Domestic Violence Movie Are You?” quiz, either. I’ve got dibs on that shit.

Is your fiancee…
Attractive? (1 point)
Uglier than Blair’s retarded cousin from the Facts of Life? (3 points)
Ridiculously Hot? (5 points)

Is her ex…
Fat and Hairy? (1 point)
Danny Glover? (3 points)
A creepy-looking dude with a porno ‘stache? (5 points)

Are you…
As dull as the token cartoon “good guy?” (1 point)
More afraid of your fiancee than of him? (3 points)
One of them sensitive drama teacher types? (5 points)

Now, add up your score, and let’s see how you did.

1-5 points:
You’re Beauty and the Beast.
Dude may talk some mad shit, saying “I can change!” but all in all, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Your problems are G-rated.

6-10 points:
You’re The Color Purple.
You may feel like you want to like you want to cut the dude’s junk off while he’s sleeping, but he ain’t worf it, Miss Seeley. Call that dude’s bluff one time, and he’ll be all apologetic and sending her flowers. If he starts sending you flowers, then that’s a different movie, entirely. Sleep with one eye open and, whatever you do, don’t drop the soap.

11-15 points:
You’re Sleeping With the Enemy.
Dude, you’re fucked. There’s gonna be bullets flying, and one of you is gonna die. You’d better take that woman to a shooting range, because it’s gonna be all up to her at the end, while your ass is knocked out on the floor.

Now that you know what you’re up against, there’s only one thing left to do. RUN! While you still can.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/which-domestic-violence-movie-are-you/feed/ 0 Does this blog make me look fat? http://dearmurray.com/does-this-blog-make-me-look-fat/ http://dearmurray.com/does-this-blog-make-me-look-fat/#comments Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:32:11 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/does-this-blog-make-me-look-fat/ Dear Murray,

Let’s share the love a little bit, here. After all those shrill, self-righteous rants I just read against fat people, I’m feeling a little left out. You see, I’m a recovering anorexic. I am 5’8″ tall, and at various points in my life I’ve weighed as little as 85 pounds. I have never tried to blame my condition on the media, or anything but my own sick psyche.

However, since I notice that people without eating disorders are usually the ones most eager to “cast the first stone”, I say let’s spread the hatred around! This world is so much nicer when we’re all judging one another, don’t you think?

Inkchica

“You ain’t nothin but a bag of bones, covered in a thin layer of FAG.” God, I loved Kids in the Hall.

Watching TV and getting sucked into pop culture’ll definitely put the fear of lard in ya. I do think bulemia and anorexia are passe these days, in favor of even more psyche-damaging fads like ATKINS. The fuck is going on here? Carl’s, Jr. has this creepy giant hamburger wrapped only in lettuce. What kinda ghetto fucking meal is that? WHEN WILL THE MEATSHAKE ARRIVE? COME THE REVOLUTION, COME THE MEATSHAKE.

The world would be such a better fucking place if we all knew how to use moderation, eh? Walk the middle way path of the Buddha, and we’ll all be happy and healthy and the world would have no fucking variety. Skinny people would have no fat people to make fun of. Fat people would have no anorexic people to make fun of. It’s such a wonderful symbiosis.

The people in the middle have the biggest dilemma. In a world where you are defined by your adversities and disorders, HOW CAN MR./MRS. AVERAGE GET AN INVITE TO BE ON RICKI LAKE MOTHAFUCKA! My entire empire of dirt for just one GO RICKI!

You’re no different. We all got something we have to crutch onto. C.F.S, A.D.D., pay ATTENTION TO ME!

Have you noticed how it’s fucking trendy to be in therapy these days? Are we really this fucked as a society? A: YES! I’m thinking of going into therapy on account of I’ve developed a complex due to the fact that all of my friends are in therapy.

Were you one of those people who would do like 500 sit ups a night, ’cause you were feeling guilty about that small order of french fries you had at lunch? Christ. Eat a sammich already.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/does-this-blog-make-me-look-fat/feed/ 0 Goin to the Chapel, and We’re… Gonna Get Herpes http://dearmurray.com/goin-to-the-chapel-and-were-gonna-get-herpes/ http://dearmurray.com/goin-to-the-chapel-and-were-gonna-get-herpes/#comments Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:34:48 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/goin-to-the-chapel-and-were-gonna-get-herpes/ Dear Murray:

I need your help. I have this friend who has been in a relationship for about 10 years. They’ve been engaged for the past four years, but about a year ago, my friend got suspicious of her fiance and went through his wallet. She found out that he had been soliciting prostitutes. The next thing I knew, she had stepped up their wedding plans. All she could talk about was the wedding. Well, time goes by, and everything is all fine and dandy with their wedding plans, but then she was going through his email and found emails from where he’d been soliciting sex on craigslist ads. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her, but we’re hanging out soon. What should I tell her? I don’t want to make her mad at me, but should I tell her to dump the guy? Please help.

-Lost in Las Vegas

Well, first things first. Is your friend mildly retarded? Is she a codependent child of an alcoholic father? Self-esteem of a 13 year old with glasses, acne, AND braces?

There is a time for fighting for your true love and there is a time when you’re just a pathetic cling-on. THEY LOOK SO MUCH THE SAME.

Rushing the wedding plans? FUCK. He did it once, so she fucking thought she’d rush that shit and stake her claim on him, and it would all work out fine. Hubby would settle down and not cruise for $20 BJs no more no more. Ain’t gonna cruise no more. Good fucking luck. I’ve never solicited a prostitute myself, but I got a feeling that shit is like crack. Once you cross that fucking line into paying for hookers, you can’t get enough! Hell, you pick her up, do the business, kick her out of your car. Obviously, this mothafucka can’t exactly afford the hooker lovin lifestyle, so he’s turned to craigslist where he can get it for FREE.

And your friend just keeps taking him back. Christ, I swear I saw this shit on Lifetime. She gets genital warts and then they have to go in with like a woodburning needle and burn half her cervix away and shit. She can never have babies and don’t we feel so sorry for her blahblahblah.

Grab her by the ears and tell her BITCH! HERPES WILL BE YOUR FRIEND FOREVER (lylas)! If she still can’t get a fucking clue, I suggest you write this one off, and find yourself some less pathetic friends.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/goin-to-the-chapel-and-were-gonna-get-herpes/feed/ 6 Mama said knock you out http://dearmurray.com/mama-said-knock-you-out/ http://dearmurray.com/mama-said-knock-you-out/#comments Fri, 08 Feb 2008 19:00:31 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/mama-said-knock-you-out/ Dear Murray:


I have been getting the urge lately to fucking punch my boyfriend in the face. What should I do? Punch the fuck out of him or tell him how i feel in a nice calm way.. even though I ask him OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to just pay attention to the little things he does that piss me off?

About to knock some teeth out,
Mike Tyson, Jr.

Alright. Here’s where mothabitches piss me off. IF YOU’VE GOT A PROBLEM with a mothafucka, TELL THEM. Tell them early. Tell them often. LOOK MOTHAFUCKA, don’t do that shit. If you keep it up, I’m gonna stab your goddamned eyeball.

It’s simple enough. Then people can adjust. They know what to expect. You can’t hold all that shit in. My ex wouldn’t bring up a goddamned thing until it was bothering her so much that it couldn’t be fixed. Things like OH GOD, WHEN YOU BREATHE, I WANT TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! YOU KNOW WHAT? If you can’t fucking say something before it’s too late, you relinquish all rights to bitch. Put it in writing, put it on a plaque, needlepoint a big sign SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER SHUT YOUR FUCKIN TRAP.

So if you really have been telling him AS YOU SAY you have, and he continues, then by all means. You have every right to pop a mothafucka in his jaw. And I don’t mean just saying “stop”. “Stop” has no effect on dudes. Try something like “if you don’t fucking stop, I will cut your dick off and feed it to you on a kaiser roll.”

Otherwise, SHUT YOUR FUCKIN TRAP and leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/mama-said-knock-you-out/feed/ 2 Sugar on the Rag http://dearmurray.com/sugar-on-the-rag/ http://dearmurray.com/sugar-on-the-rag/#comments Mon, 28 Jan 2008 20:00:02 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/sugar-on-the-rag/ Dear Murray:

i’m in a bitch ass weird mood today. one thing i hate about being single is having no one to soothe me when i’m on the rag. i’m a selfesh brat today and i want someone to cook me a steak , bring my chocolates, pat my head and say “there there sugah.” i don’t even want to complain about my cramps, i swear. i just want someone nice and strong who smells nice to be sorry that i hurt. i had my ex so well trained in this regard..i almost miss the fucker right now.

i’m thinking there oughta be a service. a trade off if you will. he who is willing to deal with my poutyness gets the “yeah my period is over” bootycall.

whattaya think?

menses maude in maine

GODDAMN. Is that all it takes? Don’t let this shit out or the entire flower and fancy restaurant industries will collapse!

Does this have to turn into one of those fucking self-help group hugathons, though? there, there honey, it’s GOOD blood. it’s GOOOD. it makes life and you were chosen to make life. let’s chant. let’s all be happy. let’s

Fuck, I got carried away there.

The problem here is you are obviously ragging RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and nothing you say counts. Because if you want us to forget all those fucked up nasty things you say to us while you’re on the rag, we have to excuse EVERYTHING you say. Can’t be selective. It’s all or nothing, baby.

So then, bring your ass back here in a week when you’re not flowing like the mighty Mississippi and let’s see if your plan has been altered.

Then, we’ll talk.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/sugar-on-the-rag/feed/ 2 You must be 42 inches tall to ride this emotional rollercoaster http://dearmurray.com/you-must-be-42-inches-tall-to-ride-this-emotional-rollercoaster/ http://dearmurray.com/you-must-be-42-inches-tall-to-ride-this-emotional-rollercoaster/#comments Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:52:17 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/you-must-be-42-inches-tall-to-ride-this-emotional-rollercoaster/ dear murray:

ok, I started dating this girl in february. She was a friend fo a friend but we didnt know each other that well. We jumped right into a pretty intensely physical relationship. The she sorta cooled off on me, saying that she wasnt really ready for a relationship, but that she really liked me and enjoyed spending time w/ me and wanted to develop a friendship w/ me. Fine, so we continue to hang out then we start fucking again about a month later. Then nothing for a couple of weeks, then we started fooling around again, but no sex. All my friends tell me to just cut her loose. The bitch of it is that she has become a really close friend of mine despite the emotional roller coaster. She has many of the qualitites that i want in a girlfriend, but I cant keep doing this. I feel like if I let her, she’ll cut my heart into 2 inch cubes.

What should I do?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Ahh. Up and Down and Down and going down. CUT HER LOOSE? ARE YOU CRAZY? Why not just enjoy that shit? From the sounds of it, she’s being clear that she doesn’t want a relationship, BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEM BANGING. So, what the hell?

It’s your duty as a man to ENJOY THAT SHIT. Free sex with no strings. If you’re friends, you ain’t gotta impress anyone by takin her out to fancy establishments like Starbucks and shit. It’s the perfect setup. It’s every man’s fuckin DREAM. We are ALL counting on you. Don’t let us down.

Look, you’re probably never gonna have a relationship with this chick, but keep a good thing going as long as you can. Can you push all the heart bullshit aside? If you can’t, you’d better listen to your friends. ‘Cause this shit ain’t going anywhere serious, and you’ll end up a weeping little mess. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll get tired of hearing romantical shit and cut the sex off, too.

AND THEN WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?

Sex is a right that none of us should ever be deprived of. So don’t fuckin deprive yourself of it when it’s right there in your face.

Murray’s counting on you. King Gonad is counting on you. George Clooney and Emmanuel Lewis are counting on you. EVEN THE GHOST OF FUCKIN’ MR. FRED ROGERS IS COUNTING ON YOU.

Make us all proud.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/you-must-be-42-inches-tall-to-ride-this-emotional-rollercoaster/feed/ 6 Fuck Buddy Gone Sour http://dearmurray.com/fuck-buddy-gone-sour/ http://dearmurray.com/fuck-buddy-gone-sour/#comments Mon, 14 Jan 2008 19:20:28 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/fuck-buddy-gone-sour/ Dear Murray,

A couple of months ago I broke rule #1: I fucked a guy from work. Hey, I was working overtime which limited my social circles.

I was honest from the get-go, saying, “Look this is just sex. Nothing less, nothing more. I’m 31 years old and the whole world WILL suffer if I don’t get laid. No relationship, no phone calls, no cuddling. Just pure, unadulterated sex.”

To no avail, the motherfucker starts sending love notes, stupid looks, and mood if I ignore him.

How do I keep motherfuckers from getting strung out on my honeypot?

How do I shake this dude? I’ve already verbally told him, “look buddy, enough with this love shit, you’re CUT OFF!” What more can I do?

Sincerely,
Cat Box Buffet

I’m pretty damned sure that sexual harrassment thing works in cases where you cut off the booty line. I got some nasty ass woman fired for sexual harrassment once. She’d fucking come up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders and shit and say things like “you’re SO tense!” I fucking wonder why, creepy bitch!

But I digress. Where the fuck did you find this dude? Sex with zero strings. THAT’S EVERY DUDE’S FUCKING FANTASY! The perfect girl is cute, funny, loaded, and had only six months to live. Any longer than six months and you just start feeling dirty! Why can’t he fucking be happy? He’s got the cake, he’s eating it, too. Does he also want the buns in the fucking oven, as well?

That’s normally sure to scare any motherfucker away, but it might not do the trick with this mothafucka. I still suggest trying it, but be prepared. If you say “I want to have kids” and this motherfucka says “YES! ME TOO!” you’re gonna have to come back with “oh, i didn’t mean with you! hahaha! that’s cute.”

And if demasculating him don’t work, nothing works quite like a new fuck buddy. I will offer Gonad up for the greater good. He makes a damned good foil. He’s got better things to worry about than love, respect, blahblahblahblah.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/fuck-buddy-gone-sour/feed/ 4 My Boyfriend Gots to get the Power Up! http://dearmurray.com/my-boyfriend-gots-to-get-the-power-up/ http://dearmurray.com/my-boyfriend-gots-to-get-the-power-up/#comments Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:39:11 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/my-boyfriend-gots-to-get-the-power-up/ Dear Murray

My boyfriend is obsessed with comic books and video games. Lately, I haven’t been getting any action at all. He stays up all hours of the night playing the X-box, and I go to bed early and alone. Do I have to smash the game into a million pieces? How can I turn his interest back to me?
-Alone in Atwater

Will you shut up until I finish this game? Fuck. You made me fucking lose, goddammit. I know the games can be addictive and all, but I find it hard to believe mothafuckas would rather play that shit than bang. Maybe TV really is rotting our fucking brains.

I think the most bizarre encounter I ever witnessed was in college. The internet was a tiny collection of geeks (such as myself) back then. I walked my girlfriend to her dorm, and walking back to mine, I went into the all night computer lab to check my email. It’s about 2 in the morning and I’m stoned out of my mind, but this giant hairy dude was having a conversation with another guy about MUDs. Multi-User Dungeons. It’s the geekiest thing ever invented. It’s like they combined a chat room with a game of Dungeons and Dragons. I only tried that shit once, and people kept coming in and out and I would try shit like “smacks you upside the head with his giant lingam” but apparently the cock swat doesn’t have much power in dweebland. So I witness this conversation:

hairy dude: i’m stuck in my game…
computer labbie dude: oh no
hairy dude: i need more disk space…
computer labbie dude: (looks around over his shoulders then whispers) be here at 7 a.m… i can get you 8 MEGS.

I just witnessed a motherfucking drug deal go down, where the drug equals disk space and the dealer and dealee equals two total gamer fags. Christ. It felt so dirty.

Does your boyfriend ever get so aroused that he jerks off to comics? If he’d rather do that shit than do you, there could be something serious going on there. So, give him a choice or drop the motherfucker. There are plenty of other fetishes out there.

Get yourself a nice boy who will wear your panties.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/my-boyfriend-gots-to-get-the-power-up/feed/ 4 Pubic Topiaries are the Fashion of the Future! http://dearmurray.com/pubic-topiaries-are-the-fashion-of-the-future/ http://dearmurray.com/pubic-topiaries-are-the-fashion-of-the-future/#comments Tue, 18 Dec 2007 19:41:25 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/pubic-topiaries-are-the-fashion-of-the-future/ Dear Murray

Do guys prefer hair “down there” to be completely shaved or do they like a landing strip? Do men these days even like big 70′s bush anymore? By the way…are you circumsized? Inquiring minds wanna know.
Agatha
Kansas City, Ks.

Well, obviously, you’re on the Kansas side of the river, considering you gotta be ASKING this question. They trim that shit in MIZZOU!

Personally, I can’t think of any vaginal coifs that I’d go running from. No, wait. I just did. If you’ve cut that shit into a rat-tail vag mullet, keep it da fuck away from me! Gagged on one of those mothafuckas before! Never again!

Seriously, though, do whatever the fuck makes you feel good. Some women feel all dirty if they got a big fuckin’ topiary down there. If you’re dating a dude who refuses to go down there just ’cause there’s a little more hair than usual, then he oughtta consider being gay, ’cause he sure the fuck doesn’t like vagina ENOUGH. Shit.

Oh, and shit. Do you think it would even be possible for someone to harbor as much anger as me and not have been circumcized? Christ.

 Now leave me the fuck alone.

]]> http://dearmurray.com/pubic-topiaries-are-the-fashion-of-the-future/feed/ 5 Lovin’ like a broken fucking record http://dearmurray.com/lovin-like-a-broken-fucking-record/ http://dearmurray.com/lovin-like-a-broken-fucking-record/#comments Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:37:11 +0000 Dear Murray http://dearmurray.com/lovin-like-a-broken-fucking-record/ Dear Murray

So..here we go. I am leaving to move from va to the cheese state in a few and I currently am in a relatively new relationship – but its more complicated than that. I have been friends (and actually engaged) at previous points to this same person before.
I want to express the way I feel for him – the fact that I love him and to an extent dont want to move because I want to be with him – although I do realize that I am going to leave anyway.
Should I tell him that I love him although I will be leaving next month and that it could possibly “complicate” things later on – the whole us getting way too attached to each other only to be separated by lots of distance – I need help..what do you think?
-bleeding cheese heart

You need help, alright. You’ve been friends, you’ve dated, you’ve been engaged. A number of times. Give it up already. Are you 17 years old? It’s not fucking working. OK?

Here’s what’ll happen. You’ll continue on this codependent path of breaking up and getting back together. NOW THAT’S TRUE LOVE! In no time, you’ll find that like nine fucking years of your life have passed with this infantile bullshit, and you’re finally wise enough to move the fuck on with your lives. You’re never gonna reclaim those years.

How do I know this? Because that was me. Convinced I was living the love of my life, both of us clinging onto each other and not listening to a single motherfucker who told us differently.

I’d like to punch you dead in the fucking mouth right about now, because I’d be vicariously punching the younger me. Now chin up. This is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna hurt you.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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