Do you have much knowledge or thoughts on 12 step programs?

One of my questions, can you recover from addiction to crack cocaine but be able to drink socially at some point?

You know Murray ain’t never needed any 12-step program. The first step would be them telling me how to live my life, and the next 11 steps would be my feet on their face and tit. HOP-SHUFFLE-STEP. HOP-SHUFFLE-STEP.

I did once bang someone in a 12-step, though, which makes me infinitely qualified to make fun of it.

There is nothing better to talk about on St. Patrick’s Day. If you plan on drinking green beer tonight, 12 steps aren’t enough. Bitch, you’re like 1/100th Irish, twice removed by adoption. Save it for May 5, when you go down to the old wing bar to celebrate Mexican Independence Day with all the other assholes. Mexican Independence Day is in September, by the way.

AA ain’t nothing but another DRUG. Some people are hooked on meth. Some people are hooked on dirty martinis. Them bitches are hooked on healin’. I’ve got a tip for ya. If you don’t feel like you can muster the self-control to ever live life for two weeks without attending a meeting, you’re STILL A FUCKIN’ ADDICT. Different day, different drug.

I know you may feel like if you pop open a beer, it will be like opening the box in Hellraiser. Pinhead is going to pop out and say CHOOSE YOUR FATE, and you’ll wake up 37 hours later, with no clue where you are, and bleeding from the anus. I only have one thing to say about that. What the hell are YOU drinking? I gotta get me some of that!

So you can forget all that bullshit. If you wanna join up with that shit, you might as well go all out and sign up for one of those cults where you castrate yourself and let the leader bang your wife and daughter, because, well, he plays GUITAR.

Murray’s gonna help you out. I’ve devised a 12 step program, guaranteed to help you break the addiction. Here we go.

Step 1: Don’t be a dick. No, really. Don’t be a fuckin’ dick. Look in the mirror and ask yourself: “do I look like a dick?” If the answer is no, ask someone else. If they say no, come ask me. The answer is ALWAYS yes.

Step 2: Floppy Dong Hat. Yeah, you could go apologize to whoever you were a dick to, BUT THEY ALREADY KNOW. So you need to let the world know that you’re a dick. The floppy dong hat works just like a dunce cap, but have you ever tried creating spreadsheets with a big rubber frenelum smacking you in the face? I have, and the truth is that it’s less of a soul-killer than doing them without the dong.

Step 3: The Hair of the Dick. By this, I don’t mean sucking dicks in an alley. We’re not to that step, yet. What I mean is that if you can’t drink without being a dick, the goal is to fucking drink without being a dick. So, give it a go. If it fails, hey, everyone already thinks you’re a dick, so nothing’s lost.

Step 4: The Sober Roast. You’re just not getting it. Time to let everyone else show you. Get a bunch of people together who hate your ass, and they get to make fun of you, smashed off their asses. The only catch is that YOU can’t drink a drop. No, your ass is gonna feel what it’s like to babysit a whole room full of drunken assholes, MUCH LIKE YOURSELF.

Step 5: Waterworks. No, I’m not talking about a sequel to that shitty movie Waterworld, unless Kevin Costner’s vision included your sorry ass sobbing uncontrollably in the shower, cupping your balls with one hand, whilst wiping snot bubbles from your nose with the other. Come to think of it, if you’ve ever seen Waterworld, that’s probably exactly the fucking sequel he had in mind. Take that shit into the shower. We don’t need to see that shit.

Step 6: Man the fuck up. You feel better after your little cryabout? Well, it’s time to buck up, because now you’re not only an asshole, but you’re a crybaby asshole. Is it still illegal to abort in the 163rd trimester?

Step 7: The Lucky Step. Hey, I was gonna charge your ass for this step, but it’s your lucky day. You’re getting this one for free. What? You want advice? I’m already giving you this one for FREE. Goddamn. Want. Want. Want.

Step 8: Use Your Forces for Good. Hell, you’ve worn the dong hat, you’ve been made fun of, you’ve even cried, and you’re still an asshole. Donate some of that to charity. You’re a legendary asshole in your town. Volunteer to man the old “Throw a mallet at the asshole” booth at a local fundraiser. You’ll bring in millions.

Step 9: Drink something else, for piss’ sake. So, when you drink whiskey, you’re a total asshole. When you drink wine spritzers, you just start bitching about everyone’s fashion choices. Better yet, go for something harder than whiskey that will knock your ass out even FASTER. The faster you go unconscious, the less time you’re spending being a DICK. Everyone wins.

Step 10: The Lockjaw. Wire that shit shut. You’ve been given too much free will, and you can’t handle it. So close that mouth up, for good. You’ll still be able to drink all you want, through your little sippy straw, but none of us will have to listen to your bullshit!

Step 11: The ‘Don’t Daddy, it Hurts!’ Remember when you used to get all drunk and beat on your kids? Well, that kid is 6’3″ now, and your jaw is wired shut, so nobody will even hear you scream.

Step 12: Just accept it. Face it, dude. You’ve tried it all, and you’re still a dick. Water finds its own level, and your level is underground, in an outhouse. You always have, and always will be, a total dick. It’s ok. The world needs dicks to make the rest of us look better. Keep on keepin’ on.

YOU’RE CURED.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

What am I to do?
-Wise Beyond My Years

You have a duty to break that mothafucka in right. There’s no room for naivety in this goddamned world. Ya gotta have street smarts if you’re gonna survive.

It’s gonna happen sooner or later. Someone’s gonna do something shitty, and it’s gonna click. PEOPLE ARE MEAN. PEOPLE ARE BAD. PEOPLE ARE SHITTY. Suck it up, mothafucka, ’cause there’s a whole lot more where that came from.

It might be cute for awhile, but that shit gets old faster than anything. You wanna have to lead someone through life by the goddamned hand? You’ll end up strung out on whatever the closest pill is that you can find. It’s hard enough to worry about your own damned self, pay rent, keep your integrity and all that bullshit. BUT YOU WANNA GO and try to protect some Forrest Gump from the bad things in the world?

I can save your ass some trouble and Mapquest the shortest route to the looney bin for ya now.

I’m not in the business of getting kittens out of trees. If they don’t find their own way down, then they must like being up there. I’m not gonna let ‘em pull me up with ‘em.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Okay, here’s the story:

We’ve been apart on and off for about 4 months now. You probably remember me from a situation that happened here with him a month and a half ago..the whole thing was a bunch of crap and he lied big time about us not being together..but anyway, He’s been online meeting other females, took them out when we weren’t together for a day or two..and he doesn’t consider that cheating..whatever! 2 days ain’t shit, feel me..anyway..after all this time he keeps coming back to me telling me to work things out and stuff but I dont’ know if I can trust him anymore. I feel that if he was sneaky before like this then he’ll do it again right..anyway..my main question is, he wants me to go with him to AC this weekend but I’m not sure if I should go. I dont’ want to get used for some weekend sex and then when we get back from Atlantic City, he acts up again. The last time we had sex was a month ago, so I know he’s a horny toad and I dont’ want to give in and be hurt in the long run. What should I do? He’s constantly calling now and looks for me, something which he never really does, so it’s making me think maybe he does wanna work things out, but I dont’ know if I should or just let him go completely. Help!

-On Again, Off Again

It’s times like these that makes a man wish he was pro-gun and kept an arsenal of automatic weapons at his disposal. Why the fuck do you people look for advice? Do you expect a mothafucka to say “Oh, dearie, hang in there. He’ll see the light!”

What should you do? Per this situation, or in general? I’d suggest sipping on a cocktail of roofies with a twist of lime. There’s no fucking hope for you. You’ll cling onto any motherfucker who gives you the time of day. It’s not even about this particular guy. ‘Cause it’s pretty fucking obvious that his interest in you is about as limited as my chances of finding any good new porn starring Dana Plato.

So, what the fuck is your problem? Is it pure and rampant stupidity? Did your father keep pawning your Barbie collection to buy hookers and crack? How does someone get as fucking whiny and codependent as you?

So, this raises the question. Why the fuck are we so afraid to dump a motherfucker? He says he can change! I owe him, ’cause when I was down and out, he bought me breakfast at Jack in the Box! You will consistently meet fuckers like this who will not really be interested in you, and you’ll be convinced every single one of them is “the one.”

Think for a minute about all those middle aged whores you see who have been married 16752664561654 times and fucking hate everyone. I’ve never met one of those, but do keep in touch, because that’s gonna be you.

Thank you for ensuring the token middle aged tramp on valium population isn’t going to skip a generation.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

I admit that I have a few mental issues that probably stem from poor childhood nutrition, and rampant adolescent drug use.

Sucks at Stalking

I’m not sure if I’m buying that people are creepier online. There’s a whole fucking lot of creepy people in this world, and many of them can’t afford computers. The odds are probably just as good that the dude who lives next to you is watching through his peephole while you’re going into your apartment, and jerking it.

Here are some pretty fucking safe things to stay away from before you meet someone: marriage, love.. you know what? you can pretty fuckin much blanket all the heart-related bullshit. The first time you meet someone is just that. The first fucking time you meet someone. I don’t really give a fuck. If I don’t click with someone, I don’t click with someone, and you will never fucking hear from me again. Don’t fucking go bitching about people or cooing about people in your blog, forgetting that they can fucking read that shit. “Oh, it’s 4:30 and Murray is doing such-and-such right now…” You can mark me off your fucking little daydreaming planner right fucking now if you’re gonna pull that shit.

Keep the conversations simple, and don’t talk about your taxidermy hobby just fucking yet. While I’ve never had to get a restraining order, I have had plenty of freaky phone calls. I do get sort of a sick joy out of them, though. I think I’m gonna start saving them, and start a website to share this shit with the rest of the world.

I will also accept submissions. Oh, and maybe your ass will have better luck with the women here. Now leave me the fuck alone.

So, My boyfriend whom i met online 2 years ago, and I just spent a wonderful long weekend together in Seattle. He is from California. I live in Washington. This is the third time we’ve met in 2 years…NOt alot, but we are just now getting to the point where we have money to travel. We talk to eachother every day online and on the phone, and when we’ve spent time together, its been nothing less than perfect. He agree’s and i agree that we are perfect and fit well together. THe problem is, Coming back from this past weekend, im depressed because i dont want to talk to him online anymore. im tired of the online bit. Id rather have him here in person, but we cant move to be with eachother yet. So, what do we do? do we move on? because it hurts too much being apart? Or do we tough it out and make more plans to see eachother? Help…
-Smitten in Seattle

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? This can’t be real. Someone please tell me this shit is not real. It’s real, isn’t it? Someone actually thought this up and wrote this shit out. Instead of fucking bashing their pathetic face in with a copy of Sleepless in Seattle, they wrote this fucking letter.

You’ve hung out THREE times in two years and… BOYFRIEND? He is not your fucking boyfriend! He’s just an occasional internet bang that you’re investing a whole lot of time and energy into. 3. three. THREE FUCKING TIMES!!!!!!!!! I’m assuming that’s weekends, and we’ll round up on the number of days in the weekend. 3. 3×3 = 9. In the last 730 days, you have spent NINE days with this motherfucka and you think he’s your boyfriend? I’ve spent more time than that with motherfucking Thai Elvis, but if he starts getting fresh with me, I’m gonna pop him in his goddamned eyeball.

THREE TIMES THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is everything that is wrong with the fucking internet. I read stories like this one all the time on losers.org. Guy and girl meet online, guy and girl fall in love, guy and girl get engaged jan. 7, 1999, guy and girl meet in person for the first time june 23, 1999. girl dumps guy july 27, 1999, guy decapitates himself with a chainsaw on girl’s lawn…

If any of you ever try pulling shit like that with Murray, I’m fucking outta here. I will destroy the internet from within, with the help of Al Gore, just so none of you can pull creepy shit like this on anyone ever again.

Give up on the “boyfriend” bullshit. Go bang 23 dudes in 21 days. Get this shit out of your system.

 Now leave me the fuck alone.

I was friends with this girl for a really long time and my best friend was in love with her a couple years ago.. She never liked him like that.. Just recently.. Starting a little over a month ago, we started hanging out more.. The whole group of us, and her and I started showing each other more attention(Honestly, she was the one in our group that didn’t get much attention, so I wanted to see if I could get her to like me by showering her with attention).. We grew closer and closer and it got to a point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I asked her how she felt about me and it turned out that she liked me as much as I liked her.. So, we went out on a ‘date.’ This is all behind the scenes because we don’t want any of the rest of our group to find out about any of it. On the date, we had a great time, and just before we left to come home, I kissed her. We kissed all the way home, and then went to my house and kissed all night long until like 4am. Later that week, we had lots and lots of sex. To this day, we’re still not officially “together,” but we still mess around. Ok, here’s the problem, I’m ready for all of this to end. I want to go back to being just friends. I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now. It’s nothing against her, I’ve just got too much going on in my life. However . . . She is in love with me. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to hurt her. We talked about this in the beginning. I asked her if she thought that we’d be able to go back to being just friends, and she told me yes. But I really don’t feel that this is the case at this point. How do I go about at least starting the process of going back to being just friends, without breaking her heart? Is it even possible?

~dilemma in delaware

Oh, woe is you. This sounds like a fucking teen movie. Only, once you’ve built up the shy girl’s confidence and taken her glasses off and gotten her a makeover and start the banging, instead of running off to college together, you wanna dump her ass. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. WOULDN’T DO THAT SHIT! Why the fuck didn’t ya think about this beforehand? It’s amazing how we can see all the signs for potential drama, and still we charge forward. Trust me, I’m no fucking exception.

I’m beginning to think we should draw up fuck buddy contracts. Cut out all the he said, she said bullshit. Microsoft could sell templates for it for MS Word, and make a mint.

If you talked about the shit in the beginning, stop your fucking worrying. That’s not what you’re really worried about, though, is it? You don’t really want it to stop. You just want all the love shit to stop. You’re secretly hoping the banging can go on, no strings attached. That ain’t gonna happen with this girl, so you can just give up that dream right now. You’re not breaking anyone’s fucking heart, she’s breaking her own. You talked about it up front, and still she thought “maybe I’ll convince him!”

Fucking lame. Why do you even wanna be friends? Christ.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

I just realized that the woman who often reminisces about her high school marching band days, and whose brand of humor entails reproducing gastrointestinal sounds is getting more deep dickin’ that I am. I don’t think it’s very fair because I don’t think she’s accepted the fact that she might be a lesbian, and that I like dick a lot more than her. AND I have better hair, my boobs are perkier, and I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks if a wood chuck could chuck wood (3 lbs.).

Sincerely,
Cobwebs in My Crotch

This is such a fucking rhetorical question. You can’t introduce someone as the “Company Hyena” and not expect that to be the natural choice. We all know that dude. He has the grating laugh and corners you to tell you about stupid shit. I worked with this guy once whose laugh sounded like asthmatic Badgers fucking. He’d corner my friend Caroline in the break room and talk endlessly about his FANCY SPORTS CAR he’d just bought. It was an 11 year-old Mazda. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, hell yes you should bang that dude. While he’s on top of you making sounds like (picture the sex version of his laugh), I want you to reflect upon those long gone high school days. Think of all those band girls.

Not so funny-looking now, are they? HAHA.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Me and my friends are a pretty close knit group. Admittedly, I like to be the center of attention. But don’t we all from time to time? Pretty much since the beginning, I have been the center of attention, but lately, the tide has shifted to another member of our close knit group. When this first started to happen, I didn’t think much of it. I thought that it might just be a temporary thing, but after a little over a month of the same thing, I am growing increasingly impatient. This may seem shallow of me, but I’m having a tough time not being .1 anymore. What should I do? Should I have a talk with my friends and tell them what’s going on, or should I keep quiet and let the resentment fester and get worse, or ahhhh! I just want to scream. I feel bad because the person that the attention has shifted to is a good friend of mine, so I don’t want to have these jealous feelings, but I can’t help it. The group consists of 2 girls and 2 guys that hang out all of the time, and from time to time, another guy and another girl or two will join us. I had gotten used to always getting all of the attention from the guys, but not long ago, the attention shifted to the other girl that hangs out with us all of the time. I don’t know why, and it is really getting to me. I know that this doesn’t make any sense, so please forgive me. I just needed to vent.
-Jealous Again

Ahh fuckin christ. Did someone not get their little invitation to the butterfly ball? Did you recently gain some weight? Maybe in your BITCH ASS MOUTH? I can’t understand at all why people would lose interest in you, ya whiny little fuck. Ya’d better just quit the bitchin’ and start kissin’ the new queen’s ass, ’cause you’re all washed up.

If ya wanna scream something, try this little mantra: “I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… I’M A BIG WHINY BITCH… OM.”

This reminds me of this guy I knew in college. Brady was the man’s name. He was quite possibly the most permanently stoned individual I ever knew. This one time, Brady and I are sitting there stoned, and he looks at me and says “man, i wish Michael Jackson would just DIE and let someone else be the king of pop for awhile.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a more brilliant proclamation in my LIFE.

Someone else is the new queen of your little social club, and you know what? It matters the fuck not.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Here’s my dilemma.

There is a dude I’ve been feelin’. He was really into me in the beginning and I honestly was using him to get over someone else. Well, I basically carried him and he kinda snapped out of it and realized how much he liked me and how uncool that was. So I realized I was feelin’ him, a lot. But by the time I did, he was backing off. He used to call all the time, come over all the time and yes we had already had s*x. We still chill every now and then, I would say once every 2-3 weeks. Without s*x, by the way. Just relaxing. Ive come clean with him and told him everything. He says that he wants to for us to get to know each other better, since we did rush into stuff. That is cool, but the he barely calls now?? So i decided, f this, I am not chasing him nemore. Well, I have not called in about a week and he called yesterday. I carried it like I did not really care. I think he noticed. He asked who I was messing with, I said no one. He said yeah right. Now normally I would say no for real, and keep trying to convince him, but I am tired of this so I just said believe what you want, I dont care. Well, he called today around 12:30pm. He was making small talk, trying to stay on the phone. I however, was not saying too much at all. He then said he would prob. get out of class early tonight and call me from there to see what I was doing. Um, why? What is he doing?? It was obvious that he really liked me in the beginning, it was also obvious I messed up, but now he acts like hes playing games. I dont have time for that, but I see potential you know. Should I carry him all together? Does he really like me still or is it a stupid game? He has made it obvious he doesn’t want me to cut him off, um I actually came out and said it Sunday before last and he flipped…lol….is this dude what just scared. He says that he doesn’t sweat girls, he sweated me in the beginning, that I had him buggin’ and he started being late to class, not being able to focus at work, so he was like oh hell no and pushed his feelings down and backed off…is this the truth or bs…he cant be after s*x cuz we have been having a physical relationship, well not recently, but you get what i am saying.

-strung up

Well, first of all, if you’re ever gonna be any good in bed, you’re gonna have to just learn to fucking say it, first. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. You feel better now? Damn, I sure do. Why do people feel like they have to bounce from relationship to relationship? Fuck. This reminds me of, well, myself. I’d just broken off a nine year long relationship. I was in a low low place. I moved back in with my parents and all, and shit. The town I was from, if they could spell my name correctly, it was a huge turn on, ’cause the only fuckin’ people left in that place were people who never managed to get the fuck out. So I ended up with this girl. She was a hot redhead and a damned good kisser, and oh god, we had fuckin’ nothing in common, but SHE WAS FUCKIN HOT OK? I’d try to have a conversation with her, and she’d say somethin’ like “oh you know more about that stuff than i do,” and we’d just forget the convo and get to the groping. Damn good thing, too, ’cause we didn’t have anything… SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Just checking. So this went on for a couple of months. We were both like two fucking broken birds trying to take care of each other. What a fucking sight. Then, one day, she tells me she loves me! OH GOD OH GOD LITTLE RED HAIRED GIRL, I LOVE YOU TOO! Oh god, yes! This is everything I ever wanted. A girlfriend whose favorite musician is Kid Rock! The next few months were filled with the kind of gayness I don’t think I can properly represent in blog form, but let me summarize: 8 a.m. voicemails every fuckin day, ice cream cakes, the worst book of poetry anyone has ever bought me as a gift, and OH REALLY BABY no, tell me again about your collection of wicker baskets! I find it FASCINATING! REALLY! Then, something started to where it didn’t set right. However, I felt too sorry for her to dump her, so I attempted to convince her to dump me. 8 a.m. calls soon turned into “you love me? you sure? it’s ok if you don’t, really.” Eventually, she did, suprise of surprises, it fucking hurt. Nothing hurts and is more stupid than getting dumped by someone with bad taste. I never shoulda gotten to that point in the first place. Rebounds are rebounds are rebounds. They don’t fucking count and they shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

This is going on too long. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Enough said.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

I’ve been doing this online dating thing for quite some time, but it never seems to work out. I’m an attractive, artsy girl with my own apartment, eclectic tastes and a good sense of humor. None of these guys ever want to get serious with me. All I want is a solid relationship. Is that too much to ask?
-Single in Silverlake

Oh god, please stand still for five fuckin minutes whilst I fling copies of Donnie Darko at you while a dude in a baseball helmet gauges how fast i’m throwing. Do you go prowling for relationships? You think you’re gonna just input a couple of variables in the computer and out pops the perfect boyfriend? Christ. Didn’t you see the movie? YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO HOOK UP THE DOLL.

Look, you can’t force this fucking shit. You’re getting on my fucking nerves, lady. Are you one of those people who if a dude says “i think we should be friends” goes nutso screaming shit like “I don’t NEED any friends.” I have fucking met people like that. You want to be my boyfriend, but not my friend? If you wouldn’t be my friend, you’re never getting in my fuckin pants, lady! Get yourself a fucking kitten to be codependent with, and maybe you’ll get that shit outta your system and stop creeping your dates out.

There are alot of fucking people out there who are just looking for some goddamned anyone, and Murray is nobody’s motherfucking anyone.

 NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.