Body Odor | Dear Murray

Category Archives: Body Odor

Picking your plaque and smelling it, too

January 18, 2008 – 1:18 pm

Dear Murray,

i have plaque in my teeth like evreyone else…but i love to pick it out and smell it unlike everyone else…does that make me gay??????

love,

Talia the nose and plaque picker.

Damn. Well, we all got disgusting shit we do behind closed doors. Why do we look in the toilet after a shit? Why? Do we get some sense of pride and awe? DAMN! THAT just came out of MY asshole! BOO-YA! Seriously, though, I took a shit just last week that looked a lot like Kirstey Alley. I took a picture, but not even the weekly world news would buy that shit.

I’ll wager that 99.99999% of us smell our finger after we pick our ears. WHY? WHY? WHY? We already know what it’s gonna smell like, ’cause we’ve fucking smelled it every time, but still we persist! It’s not the fucking Antique Road Show! We don’t gotta verify the authenticity of the ear wax! So what the fuck?

It gives us a sense of accomplishment. So be proud, brave warrior. You’ve made the plaque your bitch (does plaque really have a smell?). You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You’re big enough to admit your disgusting little habits, and, that’s what truly turns men on.

Just don’t go eating the plaque and boogers. That’s way too circle of life and shit.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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Your ass smells like your foot, your foot smells like ASS

November 14, 2007 – 11:42 am

Dear Murray

I’m having a problem with foot odor. Whenever I get intimate with a girl, and take my shoes off, it kills the moment. It’s ruining my sex life. Please help!
-Fungied in Franklin Hills

Oh jesus. This reminds me of those Gold Bond powder commercials. You know the ones. GOLD BOND STOPS MALE ITCH. I knew this guy in college. I won’t call him a friend because, well, he disgusted and annoyed the fuck out of me. He would wear sandals with socks and you could fuckin smell nothing but feet within a 20 mile radius of this motherfucker. We were watching a movie in this little newsroom lounge and the fucker was eating Cheetos. Now, all people have the same issue when dealing with eating Cheetos. Some people prefer to suck the cheese powder off their fingertips. Myself, I like to wash my hands. What this motherfucker did, however, blows my mind to this very day. He held his fucking fingers up to his mouth like a toothbrush and began “brushing” his teeth with his cheese-encrusted hands, very rapidly. Fuck, ya know what? I haven’t been able to eat Cheetos since.

So quit being a disgusting motherfucker. Wash your shit. Take a daily bath, buy some new shoes AND SOCKS. Throw the Gold Bond on there, or the peppermint foot spray from the Body Shop works wonders. Buy it by the fucking GALLON.

Oh, and quit eating CHEETOS, Grant. We all know you don’t have a sex life, and it has nothing to do with the feet.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

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