Dear Murray

Dear Murray

Do you think a second American revolution could ever happen, or are we so docile now that we will allow the government to do as the please at the expense of our freedoms? Where do you stand on the Second Amendment?
-considering holing up in Montana

Five years ago, I would have told you no. This could never fucking happen. This country is full of right-wing “love it or leave it” fucks (wasn’t this country founded by leaving “it” – “it” being england?) and leftists who only show their face when it’s trendy. NOT ANYMORE BUDDY! Now we have PO-TEN-TIAL! The Revolution’s coming and it WILL be televised!

This fall on FOX! Hold onto your tits, ladies! We stick five angry dissidents in a house with five radical statists of the Reaganite variety! Watch as these 10 people battle week after week for ultimate control of these United States! AND TEN MILLION DOLLARS AND A RECORDING CONTRACT! Who’s it gonna be? Who’s got what it takes to be the last survivor? Will Lucy win over the country with her anarcho-socialist views and her string bikini? Or will Reggie succeed in bringing back slavery? Put your phone on speed-dial! Lock your Tivo in!

I just got so excited I need to go change my pants. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

You’d look much sexier without the beard. Will you shave it?
-Angela

THERE YOU GO trying to change me again. You don’t get a beard like this without lotsa hard work. Look at those dudes in ZZ Top. YEARS of hard work, and it paid off. They are the favorite band of our president. THAT’S RIGHT. We elected a man whose favorite band is ZZ Top. So sing along with me.

tv dinners… when there’s nothing else to eat… tv dinnerssss….

This is also where Dubya got the idea for his welfare plan. Now leave me and the beard the fuck alone.

Dear Murray:The new terrorist threat: ladies who ground a flight over something so ignorant

Toilet Paper Dust Diverts Vegas-Bound Flight

All that time & money wasted to the shitter!
The fuel spent on the extra landing/take off. The paychecks of the law enforcement called, investigators, etc. The money spent on the airplane employees while they stood around waiting. Money wasted testing the substance at some lab. The money wasted on the transport of said substance. The time wasted of the travellers.

What about the lady who grounded a flight over not wanting to hear people speak in a non-english language?

Arabic Spoken? Plane Grounded.

I, personally, would consider this similar to placing a false call to the police and getting a fine for it. So dumb.

This is why we need IQ tests to be able to fly. We need one airline for people who just wanna get to where the fuck they’re going. Then, we need a separate motherfucking airline for all the dumb white trash, screaming babies, and that MOTHERFUCKER with the whining cat on the red eye from San Francisco to Pittsburgh. I’ll kill your pussy, stuff it with stale peanuts, and roast that shit up in the microwave if you don’t shut that feline up, motherfuckers!

HEY! Them are suspicious! Dey tawk fuh-nny! Captain! There is a terrorist on the wing of the plane! OH GOD HE’S GEE-HODDIN THE ENGINE! We’re all gonna DIIIIIEEE! AAAAHHHHHHH! Christ, when did these people start flying to go visit the LARGEST BALL OF MUD instead of just loading the family up in the Winnebago, like their fathers before them?

Holy shit we’re living in a fucked up place. Not that this country wasn’t full of morons before 9/11, but that day evidently gave them all some common rallying point to freak out, hoard some guns, and live in fear of everyone else.

Hell, just last week, the cops in Boston damn near shot some nerdy MIT teen who came into the airport wearing a shirt with a circuit board on it. Seriously, get a good look at that shit. It couldn’t have been any sillier if it had had the fucking Energizer Bunny strapped onto it:

And if you think that’s crazy, this woman was almost kicked off a flight just for being a ho:

I understand that bitch is loose and all, but she can’t be hiding more than 2-3 terrorists under that flimsy little outfit. Nothin to worry about, people!

So, the only option is to get all these fuckers their very own airline. Fly American Scarelines! Load ‘em all up, and let ‘em freak the fuck out about each other. Jack ‘em up on lots of caffeine, and point them toward the coordinates 4.815 162.342. Say hi to Hurley for me, fuckers.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Currently listening : Paranoid By Black Sabbath Release date: 25 October, 1990