Dear Murray

Dear Murray:

Being a girl that like girls is really fucking hard because girls really can suck. Well, I got dumped about five months ago but we have remained friends. I haven’t talked to her in about a month. Now, I really miss her but she is pressing for me to “get over her”. So yeah, I really want to be mean to her cause she really has no idea what I have been going through. Well, basically my question is this; How the fuck do you get over someone when they insist you be there for them and be there friend even when it kills you to be around them. Should I just say fuck it, I mean if she can’t stop to think about what I need then there is no point, right?! She has changed so much and I don’t even want to be with the person that she has become. I just miss how wonderful I felt when we were together. Why do I need someone else to make me feel good? I never used to. How do I get back to that point?

What timing. I’ve watched this about 26 times already today: www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/

Sheeit. It’s interesting seeing this shit coming from a lesbian ’cause it’s the same goddamned bullshit ALL of us gotta deal with. No matter what slot we’re putting in what hole, it looks like we’re all full of the same exact motherfucking bullshit.

People are motherfucking selfish. COME HERE NO GO AWAY. I never was any good playing with yo yos when I was a kid and I sure the fuck haven’t learned anything about them now.

How do you get over them? YOU OPEN YOUR DAMNED MOUTH and tell them to just fucking leave you the fuck alone (getting any ideas why this is my favorite phrase yet?), otherwise they’ll lure your ass back into their little web over and over and over and over and… too late. Your self-respect is out the window around the third OVER. That’s why yo ass just can’t say no. You’ve got nothing left until you just fucking say FUCK YOU!

Shit. That’s cool and all if someone wants to end a thing. No big fucking deal. Just keep your motherfuckin word. If it’s over, it’s fuckin over. You got all new honeypots to dip into. ’cause lemme tell ya, right now yo’ ass might be all OH MY GOD I LOVED HER SOOOOO MUCH AND I WILL NEVER EVER RECOVER FROM THIS SHIT, then one fuckin day you wake up and go WOW. That really was a lame bitch that I let get my ass all knotted up, wasn’t it?

Today’s goddess is tomorrow’s toofless hag. Maybe she always was a hag, but it’s all in perspective, any goddamned way.

Maybe I just have a soft spot for toofless hags.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray,
I volunteer at Much Love Animal Shelter, I am a devout vegan and I don’t believe in the death penalty, but something happened tonight that shook me to the bone. I don’t know what happened. I think my feral animal nature over-rode my animal-loving nature, but today I saw a mouse crawl into my recycling bin and I didn’t rescue him from the lake of stale beer at the bottom. Not only did I allow him to nearly drown, but I let him get inebriated to the point where he was unable to run from my pit bull terrier. Fortunately, i was cooking bacon and my dog was distracted to the point where her natural mousing instinct was scrambled…
do I save the bacon grease? Or the drunken mouse?

Christ. Does this ever remind me of something that happened to me. I was a vegetarian for 16 fucking years, and I was living in this house on a hill with a buncha people. So, we got this mouse coming around. Took over like the fucking place was his own. Running to and fro, and all the housemates could do was fret about it. So we had the discussion, and they were all “i dunno… i don’t wanna kill the guy. i don’t want the bad karma…” HERE I AM the only motherfucking vegetarian in the household, screaming “KILL IT! KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER! KIIIIILLL IIIIT!”

Finally, we killed it, and were all happier for having done so.

Yeah, I gave up the vegetarianism. For what? Bacon. It was the gateway meat to sausage and pepperoni and chicken. It was only a matter of time. Lots of people told me I was a fucking hypocrite for being a vegetarian and wearing leather, but so fucking what? Of the many rights I have as a human being, the right to be a hypocrite is one that I hold very fucking dear. So kiss my motherfucking ass.

So, who gives a fuck? You’re cooking bacon for your dog but won’t let him eat a fucking mouse? That’s in fucking direct defiance of nature. Dogs may catch and eat a mouse, but when do you see a dog pull down a fucking pig and start gnawing on it looking for its pork rinds?

Just let the dog have the mouse and keep the bacon for yourself.

Now leave me the fuck alone.