Dear Murray

Dear Murray

Do you believe in fate? Do you believe that things are out of our control, and no matter what we do, we can never avoid our destiny?
-namaste

Christ, they’ve just gone straight to mainlining the fuckin patchouli these days, haven’t they? Here’s the thing about fate: it’s only as good as the motherfuckers in charge of controlling it. There’s a whole bunch of people out there who think the world’s gonna end a certain way, and it’s their duty to set it in motion. Then, there’s other people who think just ’cause Billy Ray Joe Bob ran away with Sally Sue, it makes no difference, ’cause they’re destined to be together.

Listen, if I hear the word “manifestation” one more time, a motherfucker is gonna lose an eyeball. Fate is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just move the fuck on with your life, or else fate’s gonna make your ass fat. Then when Sally kicks that wife-beatin’ Billy Ray out, he’s gonna want nothing to do with you.

I think you people smoked a little bit too much sage at Sally V.’s birthday party.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Are people born faggots? I don’t like gay people and think they are bad people who molest children. My dad says they make kids gay too. I am confused because I don’t want to be gay like those Queer Eye Guys.
Taylor

Well, first of all, we’re talking about two entirely separate things here. I do believe many gay people are born that way. Whether it’s genetics or upbringing or just a matter of personal choice, I really couldn’t give a fuck. Whatever two adults wanna do in the privacy of their own home is none of my fuckin’ business, ya know? Hell, I used to watch the 700 Club every goddamned day like it was Saturday morning cartoons. I once heard Pat Robertson say that the average homosexual has 75 sexual partners per night. Well JESUS FUCKIN BUNGHOLE CHRIST! No wonder they don’t wanna come out of the closet! TOO FUCKIN’ TIRED!

Now, on the other hand, FAGGOTS like yourself are mostly bred throughout the midwest and raised on a steady diet of corn and pigfuckin’. SUUUUEY indeed. You remind me of this time in college. I was in one of those intro Composition classes that they make everybody take. That’s where you’ll find the true geniuses in the fucking gene pool. I hated the fucking whole idea of the class. I got an A because my essays made a mockery of the whole process, and the teacher loved it. My theme paper compared the lives of Oedipus Rex and ELVIS PRESLEY! YAH! So anyway, we’re discussing Oedipus, and the teacher’s talking about Freudian psychology, and how every man is in love with his mother blahblahblah. So, this total faggot sitting next to me raises his hand from outta his ass and says “DURRR… is that like back in Greece when they made evuhboddy be gay?” Fucking christ. I tore into him. “They didn’t fuckin’ make anyone be gay! It was a fuckin’ status symbol you piece of shit! Now shut your fuckin’ redneck mouth before i STAB YOU and fuck the wound!”

I’ll see if I can get you his number, ’cause the two of you are like fuckin’ soul mates, man. Now leave me the fuck alone!

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma.

There is a dude I’ve been feelin’. He was really into me in the beginning and I honestly was using him to get over someone else. Well, I basically carried him and he kinda snapped out of it and realized how much he liked me and how uncool that was. So I realized I was feelin’ him, a lot. But by the time I did, he was backing off. He used to call all the time, come over all the time and yes we had already had s*x. We still chill every now and then, I would say once every 2-3 weeks. Without s*x, by the way. Just relaxing. Ive come clean with him and told him everything. He says that he wants to for us to get to know each other better, since we did rush into stuff. That is cool, but the he barely calls now?? So i decided, f this, I am not chasing him nemore. Well, I have not called in about a week and he called yesterday. I carried it like I did not really care. I think he noticed. He asked who I was messing with, I said no one. He said yeah right. Now normally I would say no for real, and keep trying to convince him, but I am tired of this so I just said believe what you want, I dont care. Well, he called today around 12:30pm. He was making small talk, trying to stay on the phone. I however, was not saying too much at all. He then said he would prob. get out of class early tonight and call me from there to see what I was doing. Um, why? What is he doing?? It was obvious that he really liked me in the beginning, it was also obvious I messed up, but now he acts like hes playing games. I dont have time for that, but I see potential you know. Should I carry him all together? Does he really like me still or is it a stupid game? He has made it obvious he doesn’t want me to cut him off, um I actually came out and said it Sunday before last and he flipped…lol….is this dude what just scared. He says that he doesn’t sweat girls, he sweated me in the beginning, that I had him buggin’ and he started being late to class, not being able to focus at work, so he was like oh hell no and pushed his feelings down and backed off…is this the truth or bs…he cant be after s*x cuz we have been having a physical relationship, well not recently, but you get what i am saying.

-strung up

Well, first of all, if you’re ever gonna be any good in bed, you’re gonna have to just learn to fucking say it, first. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. You feel better now? Damn, I sure do. Why do people feel like they have to bounce from relationship to relationship? Fuck. This reminds me of, well, myself. I’d just broken off a nine year long relationship. I was in a low low place. I moved back in with my parents and all, and shit. The town I was from, if they could spell my name correctly, it was a huge turn on, ’cause the only fuckin’ people left in that place were people who never managed to get the fuck out. So I ended up with this girl. She was a hot redhead and a damned good kisser, and oh god, we had fuckin’ nothing in common, but SHE WAS FUCKIN HOT OK? I’d try to have a conversation with her, and she’d say somethin’ like “oh you know more about that stuff than i do,” and we’d just forget the convo and get to the groping. Damn good thing, too, ’cause we didn’t have anything… SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Just checking. So this went on for a couple of months. We were both like two fucking broken birds trying to take care of each other. What a fucking sight. Then, one day, she tells me she loves me! OH GOD OH GOD LITTLE RED HAIRED GIRL, I LOVE YOU TOO! Oh god, yes! This is everything I ever wanted. A girlfriend whose favorite musician is Kid Rock! The next few months were filled with the kind of gayness I don’t think I can properly represent in blog form, but let me summarize: 8 a.m. voicemails every fuckin day, ice cream cakes, the worst book of poetry anyone has ever bought me as a gift, and OH REALLY BABY no, tell me again about your collection of wicker baskets! I find it FASCINATING! REALLY! Then, something started to where it didn’t set right. However, I felt too sorry for her to dump her, so I attempted to convince her to dump me. 8 a.m. calls soon turned into “you love me? you sure? it’s ok if you don’t, really.” Eventually, she did, suprise of surprises, it fucking hurt. Nothing hurts and is more stupid than getting dumped by someone with bad taste. I never shoulda gotten to that point in the first place. Rebounds are rebounds are rebounds. They don’t fucking count and they shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

This is going on too long. SEX SEX VAGINA VAGINA CUNT COCK + BALLS. Enough said.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

By the end of the show (and he wasn’t drunk…we matched drink for drink) he was putting his arm around me. Weird. After we had sex (at his house…kind of weird) he threw on his clothes almost immediately and ushered me out the door. Needless to say, I let him in on my displeasure. I would understand if it was the first time I had been in his bedroom at his parents’ house, but it wasn’t. And the other times (we didn’t have sex) he would try to prevent me from leaving. And a while back we had a discussion about “just fucking” someone, and he had asked me (as if he were horrified about the idea) if I would ever just kick him out of bed after sex. Yet that’s just what he did. He told me that’s not what he meant, but how the fuck else should I take it? When I told him last night that it made me feel pretty fucking cheap, he was adamant that it was not his intent. I was still pretty pissed off and feeling like a fool, so I left. Before I drove off I told him, “I understand what this is.” I’ve been back and forth, here and away from the computer, but he seems to have been present an awful lot tonight, yet he doesn’t acknowledge my existence online. Then again, that’s nothing new. But I would think that he might actually try to contact me, seeing as how we left off last night. Fucking hell. I think that if he calls me tomorrow or Saturday and tries to act like nothing happened, I’ll play along. I’ll bring him home Saturday night and I’ll fuck him and then I’LL jump out of bed, not say a word and just throw MY fucking clothes on. And take him home. See how HE likes it.

Hiss Hiss ROAR. I should just take it that he is really not too swift and he didn’t know how it was coming off. We were both tired and needed to wake up early this morning. Oh well.
-confused in cincinnatti

theeeeeese fooolish gaaaaames… are teeeearing meeeee apaaaart.

So, wait a minute. You’re pissed off at him, and you’re going to give him sex? Jesus christ. Where can my readers find a girl like you? I guarantee they can piss you off every day of the week. You’re perpetuating that shit, then ya gotta go ask murray what to do. Someone wrote a song about this:

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town…

The baby on the bus says “Wah, wah, wah;
Wah, wah, wah;
Wah, wah, wah”.
The baby on the bus says “Wah, wah, wah”,
all through the town.

Sound familiar?

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Just recently, I have broken up with a long-term boyfriend due to issues we could not work out. However, we became very close with another couple while dating. Since the break up, the couple has been distant and awkward around me, although I never speak about the ex or the breakup. I told them I do not want them in the middle, so I never bring up the subject b’c I respect that they are still friends with him. They had a party, however, I did not attend because the ex was going to be there, and didn’t want to feel uncomfortable or cause drama. So instead of them having to pick, I just bowed out. Since this incident, the guy has been very upset with me. I have never cared much for him, however, he’s very controlling with his girlfriend and fear he will make her break our friendship. What do you suggest I do?
-torn in tinseltown

TELL ME IF I’m reading between the lines here correctly, but… “very close” means partner-swapping, don’t it? Now they cutting you off, ’cause you’re de-partnered and then someone’s gonna get jealous? Um. Are you all like 17 or something? Christ. I’ve slept upstairs at the home of my ex-wife and her new husband, and I really couldn’t give a shit what they were doing. Better him than me, ya know?

So then, if you pick weak friends who do whatever their boyfriend tells them to, then you’re pretty much fucked from the start. Ya know what Murray would tell her? To borrow a line from my favorite comic: Now get the fuck out! Go clean your huz-bins asshole or something!!

Maybe you’re just jealous that you can’t do the same any longer.

Now leave me the fuck alone.