Dear Murray

Dear Murray

So, My boyfriend whom i met online 2 years ago, and I just spent a wonderful long weekend together in Seattle. He is from California. I live in Washington. This is the third time we’ve met in 2 years…NOt alot, but we are just now getting to the point where we have money to travel. We talk to eachother every day online and on the phone, and when we’ve spent time together, its been nothing less than perfect. He agree’s and i agree that we are perfect and fit well together. THe problem is, Coming back from this past weekend, im depressed because i dont want to talk to him online anymore. im tired of the online bit. Id rather have him here in person, but we cant move to be with eachother yet. So, what do we do? do we move on? because it hurts too much being apart? Or do we tough it out and make more plans to see eachother? Help…
-Smitten in Seattle

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? This can’t be real. Someone please tell me this shit is not real. It’s real, isn’t it? Someone actually thought this up and wrote this shit out. Instead of fucking bashing their pathetic face in with a copy of Sleepless in Seattle, they wrote this fucking letter.

You’ve hung out THREE times in two years and… BOYFRIEND? He is not your fucking boyfriend! He’s just an occasional internet bang that you’re investing a whole lot of time and energy into. 3. three. THREE FUCKING TIMES!!!!!!!!! I’m assuming that’s weekends, and we’ll round up on the number of days in the weekend. 3. 3×3 = 9. In the last 730 days, you have spent NINE days with this motherfucka and you think he’s your boyfriend? I’ve spent more time than that with motherfucking Thai Elvis, but if he starts getting fresh with me, I’m gonna pop him in his goddamned eyeball.

THREE TIMES THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is everything that is wrong with the fucking internet. I read stories like this one all the time on losers.org. Guy and girl meet online, guy and girl fall in love, guy and girl get engaged jan. 7, 1999, guy and girl meet in person for the first time june 23, 1999. girl dumps guy july 27, 1999, guy decapitates himself with a chainsaw on girl’s lawn…

If any of you ever try pulling shit like that with Murray, I’m fucking outta here. I will destroy the internet from within, with the help of Al Gore, just so none of you can pull creepy shit like this on anyone ever again.

Give up on the “boyfriend” bullshit. Go bang 23 dudes in 21 days. Get this shit out of your system.

 Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Here’s my dilemma: Currently my life is okay. I’m 24, earned a Bachelor’s degree, have a job which I don’t mind too much that pays well and live with my family while I’m paying off my student loans (under 10K). However, as much as I love my parents and my brother, sometimes I would rather put a fork in my eye than be there. Additionally, I’m constantly travelling for socialization, for gigs (I’m a musician) and just to get out. Therefore, I was wondering if it might be more-cost effective and sanity-inducing to just bite the bullet and move out. The problem, though, is that I’m indecisive. If I move out, I might just want to move to a different city, somewhere closer to the ocean. But I’m just beginning to develop interesting relationships with the musicians in this town. Plus, I can’t manage my money to save my life.

What should I do?

Fondly,
is the grass really greener?

Moving back in with the parents. Nothing like it. I did that once. Never fucking again. Nothing like ma treating your ass like you’re 15 all over again. “Murray, you gotta do this and you gotta do that and how come you don’t have a girlfriend? ARE YOU GAY? Listen, I know this nice girl I can fix you up with. She had gonorrhea, but don’t tell her I told you that.” Thanks, ma. Always looking out for me!

Hell, I just spent several days with my family, so this shit is all fresh in my mind. It took everything I’ve got not to strangle the living shit out of every single one of my family members on Christmas Eve.

I’m a firm believer in focusing on what you want and going after it. If you don’t fucking at least try, you’ll have nothing but a bunch of what ifs. I was talking to this dude once in a bar in a small Midwestern town. He was going on and on about how he wanted to be a musician more than anything. “So why don’t you move the fuck out of this little town where you can pursue your dreams?” “naaaaahhh… i like it here.” It dawned on me. People like to talk about all the shit that they wanna do in life, but they’re too fucking petrified to just do it. I quit my job two days later, and I was out of the midwest within 3 weeks.

So, what’s it gonna be? You gonna talk shit or do shit?

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

Do guys prefer hair “down there” to be completely shaved or do they like a landing strip? Do men these days even like big 70′s bush anymore? By the way…are you circumsized? Inquiring minds wanna know.
Agatha
Kansas City, Ks.

Well, obviously, you’re on the Kansas side of the river, considering you gotta be ASKING this question. They trim that shit in MIZZOU!

Personally, I can’t think of any vaginal coifs that I’d go running from. No, wait. I just did. If you’ve cut that shit into a rat-tail vag mullet, keep it da fuck away from me! Gagged on one of those mothafuckas before! Never again!

Seriously, though, do whatever the fuck makes you feel good. Some women feel all dirty if they got a big fuckin’ topiary down there. If you’re dating a dude who refuses to go down there just ’cause there’s a little more hair than usual, then he oughtta consider being gay, ’cause he sure the fuck doesn’t like vagina ENOUGH. Shit.

Oh, and shit. Do you think it would even be possible for someone to harbor as much anger as me and not have been circumcized? Christ.

 Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

So..here we go. I am leaving to move from va to the cheese state in a few and I currently am in a relatively new relationship – but its more complicated than that. I have been friends (and actually engaged) at previous points to this same person before.
I want to express the way I feel for him – the fact that I love him and to an extent dont want to move because I want to be with him – although I do realize that I am going to leave anyway.
Should I tell him that I love him although I will be leaving next month and that it could possibly “complicate” things later on – the whole us getting way too attached to each other only to be separated by lots of distance – I need help..what do you think?
-bleeding cheese heart

You need help, alright. You’ve been friends, you’ve dated, you’ve been engaged. A number of times. Give it up already. Are you 17 years old? It’s not fucking working. OK?

Here’s what’ll happen. You’ll continue on this codependent path of breaking up and getting back together. NOW THAT’S TRUE LOVE! In no time, you’ll find that like nine fucking years of your life have passed with this infantile bullshit, and you’re finally wise enough to move the fuck on with your lives. You’re never gonna reclaim those years.

How do I know this? Because that was me. Convinced I was living the love of my life, both of us clinging onto each other and not listening to a single motherfucker who told us differently.

I’d like to punch you dead in the fucking mouth right about now, because I’d be vicariously punching the younger me. Now chin up. This is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna hurt you.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Dear Murray

I’ve heard rumors about how masturbating can make you weak. I’ve heard how athletes abstain from sexual activity prior to a game because it drains their energy or adversely affects their stamina. Is there any truth to the rumor that either getting some, or beating your meat can adversely affect athletic performance?
-Petered Outin Pennsylvania

Lemme tell ya about my FAVORITE RELIGION: Tantra. Aww yeah. I don’t mean in one of those “hey, i’ll go to a workshop and learn how to tickle you with a feather” bullshit kinda ways. Any religion that believes that the fastest way to heaven is through mutual sexual bliss is THE RIGHT FUCKING DOGMA FOR ME!

They believe that men lose vitality through ejaculation, so they just learn how not to. Instead of shooting it out, they direct it inward. FUCKIN’ COOL. On the other hand, there are the practitioners of black Tantra. The whole point of it is to absorb energy from others through sex, and claim it as your own. SEXUAL PIRATES. I’ve been with one of these sexual pirates before, and while it was COOL, I could barely walk for a fucking week. It’s no fucking coincidence that the French call it la petit mort. The little death. It takes alot out of you IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Now that I’ve rambled, let me say… this is a dumb fucking question. Would you rather have sex or play basketball?

Now leave me the fuck alone.